It's Always Sunny in Northside

Letter to an ex...

2012-01-21T17:36:00.000-08:00

If things between you and I worked out, you wouldn't be marrying the girl of your dreams right now. You would probably still be with.....me. God is funny. I'm happy for you.

Blessings,
The One That Got Away

Sleepless in Northside

2012-01-03T03:33:00.000-08:00

First of all, I want to wish all of you a happy new year. May 2012 bring many blessings into your life.

Second, I'm writing this morning because I have been up all night. Yes, another sleepless night here in northside. So I figured since I am going to be up, I might as well do something productive with my time. And that's when I decided to record and post this little video of me reading a poem. Just something a little different for the new year. Let me know if you want more of this.

For the man who loves my pilgrim soul...

2011-10-04T01:14:00.000-07:00

It was after dusk when the mosquito tweeted
I must have felt the blood leaving
I must have sensed a piece of myself
lusted by something uninvited - a nomad of the night

The sudden twitch of my body woke you
With one hand under my nightgown,
you searched my back for the small opening of life released
It's itchy aftermath

But you found it
And like the perfect host,
you rubbed the wound
until sleep came without a fight

It was dawn
when I noticed the shape of your beard
and the divine nature of your eyes meeting the winking sun
You left me breathless

I kissed your native lips
to catch your breath,
and to muster enough heart to request one last beautiful sleep
for the road.

Three Films...

2011-08-08T22:15:00.000-07:00

Day 3...

Three Films

Avatar

Aside from it bringing back fond memories, this film is, graphically, by far one of the best films I've ever seen. I also love the storyline. As a society, we can learn so much from this film.

My Girl

This movie pretty much defined me as a child. I could so relate to Vada.

Raising Victor Vargas

This movie is everything. I always rave about this film because of it's content and it's raw and realistic depiction of urban living. Love this film.

Two Songs...

2011-08-02T21:18:00.000-07:00

Day 2...

Two songs

"Here" by Aslyn.

This song kept playing over and over in my head the night before my grandfather passed away. My family and I were gathered around him by his bed at the hospital. I remember not wanting to leave him and being in denial. I didn't think it would be the last time I would see him alive. But it was. He passed away the following morning.

"Daydreamin" by Lupe Fiasco

This is one of my favorite songs of all time! There's something about this song that gives me the chills every time I hear it. Maybe it's the beat, or Jill Scott's voice. Whatever it is, this song excites me.

Allow me to re-introduce myself, my name is...

2011-08-01T04:02:00.000-07:00

Since I have been away, I have gotten a few subscribers (thank you!). And since we are now in the month of August, which happens to be my birth month, I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to take part in the 10 Day You Challenge. It will give my new readers to get to know me a little better - re-introduce myself as the girl behind the poetry.

Day 1 of the 10 Day You Challenge...

One picture of yourself

This photo was taken about a week ago.

For years, I struggled to love my curly, unruly hair.

This is me finally embracing my curly tresses.

I love this photo. I will love it for a very long time.

Dear Amy...

2011-07-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

Your voice had our ears. Your lyrics had our hearts. You had us...praying.

We prayed you would grow the strength to battle the demons that stucked you in night. We prayed because you had us. And we had you...even if for a little while.

We love you Amy. We hope you are at peace now.

The grip of Love...

2011-07-16T15:59:00.000-07:00

I came across this picture the other day on Tumblr. It is from the movie Love & Basketball. The way he is embracing her, the placement of his hands, and the expression on his face is everything. It's almost as if he is holding her up. The gentle way his fingers are spread says that he wants her to feel the wholeness of his embrace, and at the same time he is trying not to let an inch of her being slip through his fingers. To me, this photo represents not only love, but the genuine need and want of another individual. I hope everyone is embraced this way at least once in their lifetime.

Are you there Blog? It's me, NV...

2011-07-08T00:18:00.000-07:00

I have been a very, very bad blogger. I know.

Nonetheless, it is about 2:30 am here in the heart of Northside and once again I am up, surfing the web when I realized that this thing is way overdue for a post and update, sooo..an update -->

I recently finished up my third semester of school, started a new job, and now I am entering my fourth (and final) semester at my college and I cannot wait! Also, I am in the very early stages of writing my third collection of poetry. And like before, I have no real deadline for publication. You know how I roll ;) Other than that, la vida es grand!

I can honestly say that at this moment in my life I am receiving an almost overwhelming abundance of blessings.
Though I have closed a couple chapters in my life in the past couple of months, it was all for the better. They say all is well that ends well, and they are right. The closing of those chapters have made way for other opportunities to flourish. Lately, I have felt more secure and more aware of the things I need to live by my own standards. I am making better decisions and learning to listen to that inner voice that I ignored for so long. I am being completely selfish with my time and energy, and for once I do not feel guilty about it. I have not felt this free in a while. I can see my life building upon itself and for the first time in a very long time, all the blocks and pieces are starting to make sense again. I am starting to see the pay off of my hard work and efforts, which has rejuvenated me. It has motivated me to keep things moving while allowing God and the sun to come through. Best of all, I realized that I have to allow this little space that I have created here to be the vessel in which the sun shines through. Which means that I will continue to utilize this blog as the keeper of my words. Trust when I say, there is definitely more sunshine to come.

I hope you are all enjoying your summer. Also, thank you to my new subscribers and to those who have shown my blog some good old lovin' while I was gone. I truly appreciate you all and your comments. Thank you!
Follow my Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook if you have not already.

Off to my date with Mr. Sandman I go...
Peace & Sunshine.

Strangers, freckles, and a window seat...

2011-04-23T23:43:00.000-07:00

I had a really nice conversation with a man the other day on my way to school.

I was on the bus, and it was crowded and hot. I was already in a bad mood because I was stressed over school work... and the bus was late, so when it pulled up and I saw there were no seats available for me to set my heavy school bag, I was quickly annoyed. So there I am, forcing my way through the front crowd. Apparently, there is a bus monster of some sort that will eat your toes if you step to the back of the bus so everyone crowds the front (did I mention I hate public transportation and people). Anyway, I finally make it to back and a man offers me the window seat next to him. I guess he could see the annoyed expression on my face. Now, usually I would opt to stand the whole ride (I wasn't going that far), but for some reason I took the seat. I was in a bad mood, my bag was really heavy, so what the hell. Now the guy starts talking to me. Great.

He started making small talk and asked me how I was doing, "Are you going to work?", "What's a pretty girl like you doing in this neighborhood?"...yada yada yada. I wasn't feeling it. When I told him I was on my way to school, he went on about how he had went to college and got a degree in Sociology. He told me my freckles reminded him of his sister and his mother who he cared for deeply. He said he had a passion for helping people and how a string of bad decisions had strayed him away from a lifestyle he hoped to get back to. Instantly, my mood started to change. I related to him, and for a second I felt like it was just me and him on the bus. Have you ever met someone like that? Someone who can just engage you into a conversation where you almost forget your surroundings? I mean, this guy wasn't the most handsome or polish looking. He was scruffy, and I could tell he was going through a rough moment in life. I think he just wanted someone to talk to that morning. He's telling me about a job he lost, and next thing you know, I'm one stop away from my school. I told him I had to get off, but it was really nice talking. Then, he looked me right in my eyes and told me to keep dreaming, never give up, and that he wished me nothing but the best. I wished him good luck and a pleasant day. And I meant it.

That conversation was exactly what I needed that morning. It goes to show how much we can offer each other, if we just take the time to listen.

foto booth

2011-04-22T04:06:00.000-07:00

To receive everything...

2011-04-19T23:35:00.000-07:00

“To receive everything, one must open one’s hands and give.” – Taisen Deshimaru

They say hands are tools we use to give, to lend, to make love, and to make hate. Some time ago, I dated a guy who loved holding my hand. He once proclaimed that he could hold my hand all day if possible. And he did. All through the city, he led me. Our hands tightly clamped to each other and our arms just swinging into the wind. For a while, I thought he had a hand fetish (which I probably would have been okay with - to each it's own, right?). Well, it turned out he just really liked holding hands. However, for some reason his constant desire to hold my hand made me uncomfortable. While I appreciated the gesture, the combination of our sweat accumulating into a warm puddle in the middle of our palms made me cringe. It sounds gross, but that was the way it played out in my mind. I knew I was wrong and I felt awful for feeling this way.

Really, who the heck was I to deny myself a friendly hand? A harmless, single, lonely touch? I denied myself a simple connection with another human being because...? Nonetheless, it did not work out between us. It went beyond the hand holding, although it still bothers me that I could not even accept that tiny slice of intimacy. I was so closed off then. Hurting.

If you are wondering why I am sharing this it's because there is a lesson to be learned here. I learned something while reflecting back on this isolated moment in my life. We can not deny ourselves the good things. Hands are our connection to each other. Because of them, we are able to give and receive. If someone reaches for your hand, your help, or your love, stretch yourself and grab theirs. In this world today, we shouldn't waste our time fearing, judging, and over-thinking. I learned that it's got to be love from here on out. So, if another gentleman appears out of the blue and asks if he could hold my hand, I would let him...all day if he liked. :)

Hope and I hustle on the same block...

2011-04-01T09:03:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted poetry so here you go...written this morning so I'm posting as is.
PS. Happy National Poetry Month!

Hope and I Hustle on the Same Block

I am
an abomination of everything you once thought was real
I am a dreamer
I am everything good that you thought had flown away with the helicopters in your ghetto of dreams
Didn’t you notice?
I am the earnest voice you couldn’t hear over the bullets
I am NOT the slick movement behind closed doors -
The shade that conceals the other side of the window
They don’t call me sunshine for nothing…

My love
I am NOT your baby’s mama –
Your sole piece of drama
I am NOT the warm, cozy and tight little
hole of the night that you can’t find the energy to hold
I am NOT your landlord
Your dreams can live within me rent-free as long as they grow
I am that photo of Parisian lights that you come back to every now and then
just to assure yourself that you too will one day come alive in its luminosity

I am NOT your mother
With me, nothing is easy
and unconditional love is a limited time offer
I am the best of you
You are not the best parts of me
Nor will my body part for you and your forces..…yet.

See,
I’m hard like Monday
But in the core, I am truly Friday
I am the break at the end of a hard week that
you have to earn and
work for

But I don’t own slaves
I am NOT your global leader
I am your pusher
Your pen
Your brush
I am a painter
Sit for me
and then,
only then
can I paint you
a brave world.

Sharing is caring...

2011-03-10T13:08:00.000-08:00

I found this online and absolutely loved it so much that I wanted to share it. Click HERE for the original post.

Dear Sugar,

I read your column religiously. I’m 22. From what I can tell by your writing, you’re in your early 40s. My question is short and sweet: what would you tell your 20-something self if you could talk to her now?

Love,
Seeking Wisdom

Dear Seeking Wisdom,

Stop worrying about whether you’re fat. You’re not fat. Or rather, you’re sometimes a little bit fat, but who gives a shit? There is nothing more boring and fruitless than a woman lamenting the fact that her stomach is round. Feed
yourself. Literally. The sort of people worthy of your love will love you more for this, sweet pea.

In the middle of the night in the middle of your twenties when your best woman friend crawls naked into your bed, straddles you, and says, You should run away from me before I devour you, believe her.

You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.

When that really sweet but fucked up gay couple invites you over to their cool apartment to do ecstasy with them, say no.

There are some things you can’t understand yet. Your life will be a great and continuous unfolding. It’s good you’ve worked hard to resolve childhood issues while in your twenties, but understand that what you resolve will need to be resolved again. And again. You will come to know things that can only be known with the wisdom of age and the grace of years. Most of those things will have to do with forgiveness.

One evening you will be rolling around on the wooden floor of your apartment with a man who will tell you he doesn’t have a condom. You will smile in this spunky way that you think is hot and tell him to fuck you anyway. This will be a mistake for which you alone will pay.

Don’t lament so much about how your career is going to turn out. You don’t have a career. You have a life. Do the work. Keep the faith. Be true blue. You are a writer because you write. Keep writing and quit your bitching. Your book has a birthday. You don’t know what it is yet.

You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.

Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.

One hot afternoon during the era in which you’ve gotten yourself ridiculously tangled up with heroin you will be riding the bus and thinking what a worthless piece of crap you are when a little girl will get on the bus holding the strings of two purple balloons. She’ll offer you one of the balloons, but you won’t take it because you believe you no longer have a right to such tiny beautiful things. You’re wrong. You do.

Your assumptions about the lives of others are in direct relation to your naïve pomposity. Many people you believe to be rich are not rich. Many people you think have it easy worked hard for what they got. Many people who seem to be gliding right along have suffered and are suffering. Many people who appear to you to be old and stupidly saddled down with kids and cars and houses were once every bit as hip and pompous as you.

When you meet a man in the doorway of a Mexican restaurant who later kisses you while explaining that this kiss doesn’t “mean anything” because, much as he likes you, he is not interested in having a relationship with you or anyone right now, just laugh and kiss him back. Your daughter will have his sense of humor. Your son will have his eyes.

The useless days will add up to something. The shitty waitressing jobs. The hours writing in your journal. The long meandering walks. The hours reading poetry and story collections and novels and dead people’s diaries and wondering about sex and God and whether you should shave under your arms or not. These things are your becoming.

One Christmas at the very beginning of your twenties when your mother gives you a warm coat that she saved for months to buy, don’t look at her skeptically after she tells you she thought the coat was perfect for you. Don’t hold it up and say it’s longer than you like your coats to be and too puffy and possibly even too warm. Your mother will be dead by spring. That coat will be the last gift she gave you. You will regret the small thing you didn’t say for the rest of your life.

Say thank you.

Yours,
Sugar

Sunday Morning.

2011-02-06T04:33:00.000-08:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

— Marianne Williamson

I'm on some Marvin Gaye sh-t, a bunch of distant lovers...

2011-01-25T22:22:00.000-08:00

When it comes to love and dating, the things is...

I am in a place in my life where I am willing to accept and forgive. I've always been a very forgiving person. Cautious, but forgiving. And I'm trying to figure out if it is better to love with or without caution. The lover in me wants to get free, love, go crazy, take risk and all that good stuff because "it is better to have loved than to not love at all". While the "hurt one" in me - the one who stands guarded with her AK-47 hanging from her heart wants to feel complete with the love she already has for her family, friends, and work because it is safe and anything that requires more investment of her emotions is too risky, too raw, and requires too much energy anyway. I wish I could say I love freely, but the truth I do love freely...but from a distance. And the ones who I allowed to get close did so for reasons I am just starting to truly understand now, but I will leave it for another night.

It takes a whole lot of faith to be able to love. You have to have faith in your mate that they will always do right by you, and you have to have faith in your relationship that together all things are possible no matter how difficult things seem to be. Then, if things go wrong and you go separate ways, you have to have faith in your ability to bounce back and have faith that you will find a better love. They say you should never give up. Never give up on love because you just never know. I'm not faithless. And I have not given up because I know that the little bits of love that I have experienced is nothing compared to love that awaits. But it ain't easy. So instead, I keep my distance and ignore the small fire inside my heart that wants to burn freely. I want it. I am more than capable of it. I just don't want to make another lame excuse about how love doesn't want me to hide the fact that I am simply afraid to love because of the pain it can potentially cause.

I am able to forgive. I can forgive someone for ALL of their imperfections and shortcomings. Forgiving is love. I forgive myself. The problem is that I can't forget, and that is the part that hurts the most. It's hard - being able to forget the old pain, and being able to forget that by loving you without a safety, I am at the same time allowing you the opportunity to hurt me at anytime. And I have to forget! I have to be free if I want to love freely. I can't love the right way if I am chained down by the deeds of past loves. I can't embrace and open my arms to love if I have a riffle in my hand - ready to shoot anyone who makes a move. Personally, I'm in between. My riffle is grounded....but so is my heart. Unfortunately.

("For The Yearning" by Ginger Tyson)

Honey. I'm thirsty.

2011-01-22T02:08:00.000-08:00

I was watching the movie White Men Can't Jump the other day.
This is my favorite part in the movie...

Gloria: Honey? My mouth is dry. Honey. I'm thirsty.
Billy: Umm... [ Water Runs ] There you go. honey.

Gloria: When I said I was thirsty, it doesn't mean I want a glass of water.

Billy: It doesn't?

Gloria: You're missing the whole point of me saying I'm thirsty. If I have a problem. you're not supposed to solve it. Men always make the mistake of thinking they can solve a woman's problem. It makes them feel omnipotent.

Billy: Omnipotent? Did you have a bad dream?

Gloria: It's a way of controlling a woman.

Billy: Bringing them a glass of water?

Gloria: Yes. I read it in a magazine. See, if I'm thirsty, I don't want a glass of water. I want you to sympathize. I want you to say. ''Gloria. I, too, know what it feels like to be thirsty. I, too, have had a dry mouth.'' I want you to connect with me through sharing and understanding the concept of dry mouthedness

Billy: This is all in the same magazine?

;-)

Eight Things To Leave Behind in 2010

2010-12-31T08:16:00.000-08:00

This year, I am not making any resolutions. Instead, I decided to list the top things that I want to leave behind in the old year. In my opinion, this will help me grow and better develop as a soldier of love and life who is learning to pick her new battles and heal the wounds from old ones. Reflecting back, 2010 wasn't a bad year for me. I went back to school, and published a second collection of poetry. Along the way I learned a lot about myself, especially spiritually. Most importantly, I re-discovered a lot of my strengths, as well as weaknesses. However, the coming of the new year is just another chance to get with the program and work on those weaknesses. I already know 2011 will be a year of challenges and excitement, as well as a year for completion (I graduate in December '11). I am soo ready for all of it!

This list of eight things is a small reflection of what I discovered in myself and in the world in 2010. I wrote these in the last eight days of 2010 and they are in no particular order - just listed them as they came out. Also, please feel free to tell me what you want to leave behind in '10. Happy New Year to you and your loved ones! Wishing you all nothing but love, light, and joy for this up-coming year and beyond. xo.

#8 - Self-doubt.
Set fears aside, ask for help if needed, and take little steps towards goals and the things you want the most. It's not about when you got there, but how.

#7 - Living within yourself and the walls you've built.
To truly make an impact in the world or person, you must first push yourself and others out of their comfortable seats, for change is impossible without movement. All revolutions begin this way. Rumi said it best: "Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious."

#6 - Useless battles.
There are things worth fighting for in life. And there are things that are simply not worth fighting for. To recognize a worthy battle, ask yourself if it is first, winnable, and second, if it will make you happy and create a positive change in your life. Life is short. Spend your energy wisely.

#5 - Dysfunctional/unhealthy relationships.
You either invest the energy to fix it (see #6), or you move on and walk away for good. People are complicated. Relationships are even more complicated. It will always be this way. Embrace differences and learn to either forgive, or forget.

#4 - Self-rejection.
Who are you to not love the only person who has the capability to love you the most in this world? If I reject me, you will reject me. Envelop all the good things you are and build upon yourself a tower of steel and heart.

#3 - Hate.
Hating on, or simply hating someone leaves no room for love's energy to seep through. Hate is like an airborne disease. Once it makes its way in the air, it contaminates and kills everything around it. Leave it alone, or do it quietly in the comfort of your own soul. But remember, it does take it toll.

#2 - Superficial happiness.
Trying to attract so-called happiness by obtaining physical objects is unfulfilling. It's not about what you can buy. It's about what you can't buy. You can't buy true happiness, and you can't buy another me. Strip me of my clothes, jewelry, money, and make-up, but I am still rich because I am still me. My heart, soul, mind, and gifts are invaluable and cannot be taken away.

#1 - Distractions.
They take your attention away from the things that truly matter. And they waste time. At the end of the day, those things count for absolutely nothing towards the thrown you envision yourself sitting in tomorrow. Release the elements that disrupt you from blooming. Plant your goals and stick to the agenda. Water your seeds and watch your world flourish.

Who Said Flowers Don’t Grow in the Hood (re-edited)

2010-12-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

Who Said Flowers Don’t Grow in the Hood
(Re-edited)

He creeps into her room again
Steals a seat next to her on the bed
Innocence trickles down her cheek in rivers

She is a beautiful rosita with under-aged thorns
and he knows this
but it doesn't stop the over-grown and
oil-stained fingers from brushing
secrets up between her thighs
"Shhh, little baby...I'm just here to get mine..."

You see,
She is only 15 and has dreams of becoming a writer
The next Maya
with the power of Sonia, Cherrie, and Audre
But how can you rise
if your roots are tangled with
secrets and eyes too blind to see?
"Don't tell your mom. What we do is between you and me..."

She always did find it ironic
and amazing
how these screams -
these Northside cries -
this perspiration of a young flower who's face is buried in the concrete -
can echo on paper
Can shift mountains in a place beyond these walls,
Yet, at the same time
can fall so silently on ears
without moving a single grain
Still,
quiet
and waiting for the rumble of words
and wind.

With both hands
The man holds her face
He holds it delicately
Soft and thunderous, he whispers...

“Don't cry.
Don't scream.
Just be easy and take your time.
Like those fancy poems you be writing
Take your time,
mi rosita mas bella”.

The Love Situation

2010-12-01T11:04:00.000-08:00

It was mine
A constellation-love hoped for
And sapphire skies set on fire
Flickered flame
burning beds
Love-stained and sin soaked
Love stains, but I still hope
for this,
I for…
you.

In a New York minute
this love situation has gathered
and departed now as we speak
The leaves have settled onto the pavement

You were all
And still, you are nothing at all

I saw the sea inside you...

2010-11-21T13:37:00.000-08:00

I found the following poem last night. I couldn't sleep. Too much on my mind lately and I feel the things and people in my life are shifting and transitioning in their positions in my heart.

You see, I once loved with my whole heart. And it stemmed from the purest place in my heart. When I loved, I couldn't explain what was happening to me. I couldn't write, or even verbalize the definition of this love and its effect on me. I was so high, blind, but it was a beautiful feeling. I felt safe, secure, appreciated, and understood. I continued on, day to day riding this wave, while secretly inside I awaited the drop of a bomb. And then it dropped (oh, did it drop!) and a great feeling was gone. Reflecting back, I realize I gave my heart away too quickly. It was so eager to belong to something greater than myself that it folded. However, I learned and I collected my heart. To be honest, I'm still collecting it.

This poem by Pura López-Colomé reminded me of that period in my life. I cried when I read it because it stirs my emotions and verbalizes that now bittersweet feeling I couldn't explain before. It truly was an enlightening moment. I was an aimless explorer, and then I saw the sea inside him.

Fons
by Pura López-Colomé
translated by Forrest Gander

Reanimated, spirit restored,
reincorporated, body restored,
I contemplate between dreams
the scene I've stolen
like the one who took fire,
like the one who opened the devil box
out of curiosity,
like the one who saw her equal
and her life's love
were the same and so effortlessly
brought them together.
I took exactly
what was not mine,
with my eyes.
I saw the sea inside you:
on your surface, mud.
I kissed you like a shipwreck,
like one who insufflates the word.
With my lips I traveled
that entire continent,
Adam, from dirt, Nothing.
I knew myself in your substance,
grounded there,
emitting aromatic fumes,
an amatory banquet of ashes.

Stepping out.

2010-11-13T04:35:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago, my good friend Angel Lozada came to me with an idea for an video spotlight on me and my poetry. If you know me, you would know that I am seriously video camera shy! I hate being recorded and I cringe at the idea of seeing myself on video. But, with a little encouragement and trust, I was able to step out of my comfort zone did the video. I knew he would hook me up :) (((Thanks holmes.)))

Though I was a little shy and nervous, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and I have to admit that it feels really good to set my doubts aside and open myself up to something new. It was definitely good for the soul and for my creative flow. This type of medium has expanded my creative conscience and because of this I catch myself thinking of future projects I want to work on. Really, it was exactly what I needed. More vids to come soon!!!

Again, special thanks to Angel, and please check out his website: www.AngelLozada.com!

30 Days of Me Challenge Continued...Day 09

2010-11-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

I know its been a while since my last post. My computer screen was damaged (my fault) a few weeks ago, leaving me with no real access to the internet. Now that I am back on (actually, been back for a while), I decided to pick up where I left with the 30 Days of Me Challenge. Better late than never, right?

Today will be day 9 of the challenge and it will be on something I am proud in the the past few days. This couldn't have come at a more perfect time because last week my very good and talented friend Angel and I went to work at his home studio and recorded a new track for my poem "You Don't Get a Poem".

With this track, I decided to perform the poem over a hot Hip Hop beat that is well-known, so I picked one of my favorites, Drake's "Successful" off of his So Far Gone mix tape. I love how it turned out! Listen and let me know what you think - I appreciate the feedback.

30 Days of Me Challenge - Day 08

2010-09-27T04:25:00.000-07:00

Day 08 - Short term goals for this month and why...

(1)

Finish at least ONE spoken word track (almost done with this goal)

(2)

Write (with a pen) at least 4 poems this month (need to write 2 more)

(3)

Send out two copies of my resume to two different positions I want

(4)

Ace my mid-terms (so far so good!)

(5)

Get my sleeping schedule back to normal so I can join civilization again

The Safety of Possibilities

2010-09-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

It's safe to breathe
the toxins of my
city; its a pretty
city where the streets
re-play the melody of
our bodies folding into
torn and worn sheets

I am saying this
is safe; Allow these
fumes to play in
your chest for hours
as the waves of
my hair come crashing
down onto your lips
and into your hands
I am telling you...

You are the only
You already did something
to me; You did
something so beautiful that
my bones want to
collapse upon themselves and
dissolve into sweet honey
I want to simply
dip my finger into
the essence of what
this love could be

Anxious to taste it
If it's only possible.

30 Days of Me Challenge - Day 07

2010-09-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you...

My Puerto Rican heritage has had the biggest impact on me...

Everything about the Puerto Rican culture, from the music (salsa, merengue, bomba y plena), the food (arroz con gandules, pasteles, monfongo), the my own family and the pride we share, are a huge part of my identity. Although I was not born nor raised on the island of Puerto Rico, I cherish the fact that I was not deprived of the culture. I was still brought up with the same family-oriented values that my grandparents brought with them back in 1962 when they came to the United States.

Today in Philadelphia we are celebrating the Puerto Rican Day Parade. Puertorriqueños across the city will gather out in the streets, sing, dance, and wave their flags in pride. I will be celebrating silently as I do every day, with the same passion and pride.

30 Days of Me Challenge - Day 06

2010-09-25T07:04:00.000-07:00

Day 06 - Favorite super-hero and why...

The Powerpuff Girls

My favorite super-heroines are the Powerpuff Girls. One, because I used to watch the cartoon back in the day (my two best friends and I nicknamed each other after them - I was Bubbles, and yes, we followed the whole "girl power" movement), and two, because they simply kick ass. Buttercup, Blossom, and Bubbles (left to right) from the outside look like sweet, innocent, harmless, doe-eyed little girls. But...deep down inside they are hell-raising, fighting machines with super powers! I just love the combination of "sugar, spice, and everything nice", power and "fighting crime and the forces of evil". These girls rock!

30 Days of Me Challenge - Day 05

2010-09-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you’ve been to...

Back in November of 2006, I had the opportunity to attend a youth organizing conference in California. Although the trip was work related, to me it almost didn't feel like work being that I was able to meet and network with a bunch of other folks who were doing the same type of work I was doing at the time, which was youth/community organizing.

Anyways, it was the first time I had ever travel by plane alone, and I was so excited to be visiting California for the first time that I listened to the song "California" by Phantom Planet a gazillion times on my mp3 player on the way there (I'm a dork, I know). So I finally arrive at San Jose Airport, meet up with some awesome people, and we drive over to the Asilomar Conference Center in Pacific Grove, CA. This place is gorgeous and so peaceful! The beach was literally just a short walk across the road from the conference grounds. I will never forget the days I spent there. Although we didn't get to enjoy a lot of the activities the center had to offer because we were in workshops most of the time, we did sneak in a good amount of time to explore the grounds and bask in the beauty of the Pacific Ocean. My only regret is that while my fellow conference goers were jumping in the ocean and wetting their feet, I just stood on the sand watching them. It was too cold. However, now I regret it and I promise myself that the next time I find myself in Cali, I will wet my feet in the Pacific Ocean. I just have to.

30 Days of Me Challenge - Day 04

2010-09-23T08:14:00.000-07:00

Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn’t have...

Hi, my name is NV and I am the queen of last minute

e v e r y t h i n g.

Procrastination...

There isn't much I can really say about this awful habit except that I know I am not alone in this battle, and I find comfort in knowing that.

What can I say...I work well under pressure.

30 Days of Me Challenge - Day 03

2010-09-22T10:55:00.000-07:00

Day 03 - A picture of you and your friends

I don't have just one picture with all of my friends in it so I just posted a few pictures of me and my people...

Just thought you should know - A Young Poet's Haiku

2010-09-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, a fellow poet, Rebeca, sent me the most inspiring message on Facebook. She told me a funny story of how her 9 year old daughter, Kassandra, discovered a copy of my book, Northside Cries Lullabies, and how she read a haiku, loved it, and felt inspired to write her own. She ended the message with this: "Just thought you should know. You inspire."

How cool is that! I was completely humbled by her story. Of course I wanted to read the haikus she scribbled down, so I asked my friend and her daughter if she wouldn't mind sharing them with me. She did, and I fell in love with them so much that I wanted to feature them on here and share them with all of you. Please read...

Nintendo

dark pink and pretty,

I heart you.

Crazy man

green glasses and short

I'm laughing.

Jellybeans rolling

down, around and inside small

dark brown fourth grade hands.

Jump, jump high

the moons a baseball

for the night.

Each haiku is a colorful and innocent look into the perspective of a 9 year old. Just perfection.

Much love to Rebeca and Kassandra for being awesome and for allowing me to share her growing, yet beautiful poetic voice.

Reading her poems actually inspired me start a project with my own students. Now the inspiration has come full circle. Its a beautiful thing when we are able to inspired and then become inspired, isn't it?

30 Days of Me Challenge - Day 02

2010-09-21T18:20:00.000-07:00

Day 02 - The meaning behind your Blog name

The name of my blog is a play on the title of the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I'm from the northside of Philadelphia, and while I was looking for a name for my blog, the title of the show hit me. I played around with it, and It's Always Sunny in Northside stuck. I changed it to Northside because I wanted the the name to go with my most recent collection of poetry, Northside Cries & Lullabies.

The true meaning behind the name is that this blog is a place for enlightenment, positivity, expression, and creativity. Like my description says: a little bit of this, a little bit of that, a sprinkle of rain, but mostly sunshine.

30 Days of Me Challenge - Day 01

2010-09-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

Day 01 - A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself...

This photo was taken over Labor Day weekend.

15 Interesting Facts About Me

I bake and decorate cupcakes to relieve stress. Even when I'm stress-free, I like to bake goodies. My peeps love me because of this.
My current obsession is going to YouTube and watching make-up and hair tutorials. I don't know why, but I just find it all so fascinating.
I CANNOT stand the sound of someone cracking their toes!
When I was little, my mother wouldn't play any sad or slow music in my presence, only upbeat music because I would burst into tears. I was a sentimental kid. Still am.
I still remember specific details about my first day of Kindergarten. Mostly I remember the scents. I remember the way my classroom smelled - like cookies and juice. I remember the brand new smell of my Strawberry Shortcake bag.
Speaking of smells, I love the the smell of freshly cut grass. Where I live, I don't get to smell it that often so its always nice when I do.
I had my first kiss (with tongue) at the tender age of thirteen.
I'm a sucker for a guy with glasses (first kiss in #7 wore glasses...sigh).
I dated an eighteen year old guy when I was eleven. The relationship lasted about two days. My mom was not having it.
I was a huge teeny bopper back in the day. Backstreet Boys were my addiction, and Nick Carter was my baby daddy-to-be. My locker in high school was a shrine to his awesomeness.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time just so I could watch my favorite Nickelodeon TV shows such as Are You Afraid of the Dark, Doug, Pete & Pete, Rocko's Modern Life, Clarissa Explains It All, Ren & Stimpy, Hey Dude, and others.
My lucky number is 12 ;)
I sing ALL day long. In the shower. To myself. In my head. All day, everyday.
I have three tattoos (all butterflies) and I regret getting them only because now I want more! They truly are addictive. I'm planning on getting just one more and then I'm done. Promise.
I am almost certain that (when the time comes) my first child is going to be a girl. I've had a few visions and dreams that help support my conviction. I already know her name because it came to me in a dream.

It's all about NV!

2010-09-20T11:32:00.000-07:00

Because I need to show daily love to my blog, and because I just looove me some me, I am doing the 30 Days of Me Challenge.

And it goes like this:

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Your favorite song.

This should be fun :)
x

Needing.

2010-09-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

There are times when we are faced with guilt. I've been feeling guilty lately. I feel guilty for the things I need. I feel guilty for the things I want. Even if what I want is something I need, the way a flower needs water and love to bloom and prosper. Why do I feel guilty for this? This is a necessity. Although, I feel more guilt for needing than I do for wanting. Want is something that can change. I could want you today, and have no desire for you tomorrow. Need is different. Need is something that sticks to our bones. Need is getting physically weak when you do not get what you need. Need is waking up in the middle of the night because the poem in my belly wants to play.

Where Were You?

2010-09-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

I was a senior in high school on Tuesday September 11, 2001...

I had just left my second period class, and making my way over to my locker so I could switch books for my next class when I overheard some kid in the hallway talking to another student about a plane that hit one of those tall buildings in New York City. I just kept it moving, and walked into my Trigonometry class.

The teacher started the lesson. It was a regular day.

About a half hour into class time, the principal's voice comes on the loud speaker. He instructs all of the teachers to stop what they are doing, and turn on the TVs in their classrooms. One of my classmates got up and walked over to the TV, stood on a chair, turned it on and a clip of the second plane hitting the south tower was being played. As we were watching the plane hit and the footage of the two smoking towers, the principal said something that I just knew at that moment I would never forget for the rest of my life. He said: Ladies and Gentlemen, you are watching history in the making right now - this is your generation's Pearl Harbor. He said this is a tragic, and unfortunate moment in time that our country will remember for many years. We all just watched in disbelief as reports of the Pentagon came in, and images of the planes hitting the first tower played over and over again. It was like a movie. Unreal. Not too long after that, the first tower collaspsed, and that's when I could feel the reality of it all finally hitting us. As the gray clouds of debris billowed in the sky, I remembered a recent class trip to New York back in May of that year. I remembered passing by the two towers in our tour bus and one of my classmates saying, "Look! The Twin Towers!" I remember looking over at the buildings and feeling unimpressed by them. If only I had known then what I know now.

We were let out early from school that day. Teachers kept telling us to go home and be with our families. I went to a large high school - about 2,000 students. We were all let out at the same time, and they told us to walk home in groups - don't walk alone. The walk home was chaotic! There was so much traffic and so many people out in the streets trying to pick up their kids from school, and rushing to get home. Philly is between NYC and Washington D.C., so paranoia and fear was really high that crazy morning.

When I got home, I turned on the TV in the living room and watched all of the news reports. The second tower had already fallen. I learned about the terrorist, the hijacked planes. I watched footage of people jumping/falling from the towers, the giant crater in Shanksville, PA where Flight 93 went down, the recordings of 9-1-1 calls, and testimonies of the rescue workers and those who were there when the planes hit in NYC and D.C.. I cried when I saw all the people who were desperately looking for lost family members and friends. I was glued to the news and forming questions in my head. How could this happen? Why did it happen? I kept replaying my principals words over and over again in my head....history in the making.

I will never forget the way that entire day unfolded for me. It was a tragic day and today, on the 9th anniversary of the attacks, I pray that we all find the peace and healing we search for everyday since that morning in September. Never forget.

Where were you on the morning of September 11, 2001?

Who said flowers don't grow in the hood

2010-09-09T20:09:00.001-07:00

He snuck into her room again
Sat down next to her
Oil-stained fingers brushing
Up her thigh

She is 15 and has dreams of becoming a writer
The next Maya
With the power of Sonia, Cherrie, and Audre
She always found it funny
and amazing
how screams -
these Northside cries -
can echo on paper
shifting mountains
somewhere,
Yet they fall so silently on ears,
without moving a single grain
still
quiet and waiting.

With both hands
He holds her face
He holds it delicately
Soft and thunderously
He whispers:
“Be easy
Take your time
Like those fancy poems you be writing
Take your time,
mi rosita mas bella”.

Dear Michael...

2010-08-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

I could go on about how when I was little I used to record your music videos and watch them over and over again. I could write on for days about the impact you have made on not only the music industry, but on the world. I could write on about how much the world misses you.
But, I won't.

Today we are celebrating your birth - your life, and the fact that we had you in our lives even if it was via the radio or TV. We are better and blessed because you were here. Thank you for sharing your gifts with the world. Thank you for the music.Your songs will play on today, your 52nd birthday, and forever.

Happy Birthday King.

May you rest in peace.

Si Tu Me Olvidas.

2010-08-27T04:48:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I thought about this poem this morning by Chilean poet Pablo Neruda. This poem speaks to me. I am currently feeling it at the moment. Pride is strong. My roots are detangled - loose, detached, and letting go.

Sigh...

I am posting the original Spanish version and the translated English version of "Si Tu Me Olvidas" (If You Forget Me). It's beautiful in either language.

Happy Friday! Enjoy...

Si Tu Me Olvidas
(in Spanish)

Quiero que sepas
una cosa.

Tú sabes cómo es esto:
si miro
la luna de cristal, la rama roja
del lento otoño en mi ventana,
si toco
junto al fuego
la impalpable ceniza
o el arrugado cuerpo de la leña,
todo me lleva a ti,
como si todo lo que existe:
aromas, luz, metales,
fueran pequeños barcos que navegan
hacia las islas tuyas que me aguardan.

Ahora bien,
si poco a poco dejas de quererme
dejaré de quererte poco a poco.

Si de pronto
me olvidas
no me busques,
que ya te habré olvidado.

Si consideras largo y loco
el viento de banderas
que pasa por mi vida
y te decides
a dejarme a la orilla
del corazón en que tengo raíces,
piensa
que en esa día,
a esa hora
levantaré los brazos
y saldrán mis raíces
a buscar otra tierra.

Pero
si cada día,
cada hora,
sientes que a mí estás destinada
con dulzura implacable,
si cada día sube
una flor a tus labios a buscarme,
ay amor mío, ay mía,
en mí todo ese fuego se repite,
en mí nada se apaga ni se olvida,
mi amor se nutre de tu amor, amada,
y mientras vivas estará en tus brazos
sin salir de los míos.

If You Forget Me

(in English)

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

All is full of Love...

2010-08-26T06:06:00.000-07:00

Love is natural. If you open your eyes, you can find it in everything and in every corner of the world...

Life is the flower for which love is the honey.

-- Victor Hugo

Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.

-- Marianne Williamson

Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination.

-- Voltaire

The Resistance

2010-08-22T02:06:00.000-07:00

*Edited

There is a speck of false hope that lives in a single breath
It's addictive
It stretches and threatens to take
Remind the goddess...

You
can
resist.

On summer days
Imagine
the weight of the sun upon a certain skin
Breakdown
the many reasons why stargazing on the countryside makes sense
Far from the towers
Breathe
easy and get lost in the miles -
all twenty - two

The things daydreamed, love
are the things that waste the minutes
Yet they attempt to defy the substances that hold us down
Free thoughts can grow wings if willing
If resistance is shallow,
if we are not careful,
they can fly away

Today,
Sadness resides, but thanks is given
There is a force that tugs at the freedom
and grounds the spirit to the earth
Reasoning and resistance lies beneath
It's the reason why we say:
What goes up,
must come down

It's the resistance
It anchors
And like gravity,
All things will
come down.

Another year...

2010-08-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

Hello World!

I'm trying to enjoy the rest of my summer and do the whole school thing, all while trying to blog and write more. Forgive me. And, in case you were wondering, I did not post all of my letters from last month's 30 Day Letter Challenge because it was getting too personal. Sorry!

Anyway, I celebrated another year of life last week :) It was truly one of the best weekends ever! I had a great time with family and friends. Check the flicks...

I'd like to make a very special SHOUT OUT out to all the new subscribers to my blog, as well as the new followers on Twitter! Much love and sunshine to you all!!!!

I hope you are all taking the time to enjoy this crazy summer :) Be safe and good!

xox

Featured Artist on VOCAL INKorporated!

2010-07-29T15:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight at 8pm (Eastern time) I will be featured and reading poetry on Vocality with Mikki!

Come show me some love and listen in!

Listen to internet radio with VOCAL INKorporated on Blog Talk Radio

"Only unfulfilled love can be romantic..." - A Ramble

2010-07-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

"Only unfulfilled love can be romantic..."

I came across this quote today from a movie entitled Vicky Cristina Barcelona. The film is about best friends who go to Barcelona for vacation, and while there, one of the women (who is engaged) falls in love with another man.

When I first read this quote, I was confused. What exactly is "unfulfilled love"? And why isn't fulfilled love capable of being romantic. After reading up on other's interpretation of what it all means, a light bulb went on, and I figured it all out.

"Unfulfilled love" is the stage of falling in love. For most of us, the components that accompany this stage of a relationship are romantic dates, sweet notes or text messages, and maybe the occasional "just because" flowers. The love expressed during this time is considered "unfulfilled" because it's still new and growing. During this stage, we are working and wooing our beloved by saying all the right things, showing affection, and really putting our best selves forward to send a message to them on why we would be an ideal companion. We would do anything to make them smile, especially if there is competition for their love. But once the message is received and both parties agree to move forward with the relationship, then that is when love is fulfilled and they both live happily ever after, right? Well, according to the quote above, once love is fulfilled, the romance is no more, and I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like a very happy ending. I find this extremely disheartening.

At first glance, I didn't believe the quote to be true. Married couples and people who have been in love for years still do romantic things for each other, don't they? And isn't romance at least part of the reason why people stay in love? Then again, what is considered romantic? The hopeless romantic in me wanted to believe that romance does not end when it comes to love - fulfilled or not.

However, after thinking about it, I have to admit that it does make sense. Many relationships lose the romance after years, or even months of being in love. I've seen it. Was it real love? I don't know - it's not for me to judge. But what I do know is that a love without romance sounds dry and boring to me. Is that why we are so drawn to "unfulfilled love" - the excitement, the chase, the romantic gestures and the drama? Is that why so many of us love the feeling of falling in love, but are afraid to commit and stick around in the long run?

You ever notice how the best part of any movie or book is the part where we watch two people struggle with their "unfulfilled love"? We are entertained by the drama in a situation where two people who belong together are confronted with obstacles that keep them from falling in love. Are they going to get together? Grow apart? Is she going to choose the poor guy, or the rich one? Oh, the drama! We love the unknown. But then, eventually, they start to discover each other and then they fall in love. What happens next to the couple? Well, we don't know. Why? Because usually the book ends or the credits roll after the love is fulfilled, so we never get to see their happily ever after, do we? Why do you think that is? Is it because happy endings are boring and uninteresting? Maybe it's because after the unknown is known - after all the romance, excitement, drama is over all that is left is two simple people filled with love. We all know what to expect afterwards. They usually get married, buy a big house, and have a few kids. Simple, drama-free living. And we never really get a chance to see if their fulfilled love is full of romance.

Must love really be "unfulfilled" in order for us to bask in it's romantic nature? I hope not. Though my loving is soo far from being fulfilled, I look forward to the romance that follows. But I also want the romance to stick around once my love is fulfilled! If it isn't, then whats the point? What is love without romance? Or maybe love isn't all about romance, and that's the real test of your love for each other. Perhaps love is mostly a complicated mix of every day life and old emotions that put you there in the first place. Perhaps romance is at it's peak when love is unfulfilled, but does it really have to end there? I just refuse to believe that there is nothing romantic about fulfilled love.

I guess my question for all of you is, do you agree with this quote? And, what exactly does love look like WITHOUT romance?

Sorry this was so long...

30 Day Letter Challenge - Dear Someone I wish could forgive me...(Day 13)

2010-07-10T17:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Self,

I wish you could forgive me. The past, the decisions you have made, the set-ups and down falls, the negative thoughts, intentional bodily harm, the heartache and torture - I wish you could forgive me for all of it. You are my responsibility. In the beginning of the year, I promised myself that I would take better care of you. I promised that I would love you and be kind to your body, emotions, dreams and spirit. I promised that you, my goddess, would be untouchable. There are days when I struggle to keep it together. And there are days when I think I have failed at keeping my promise. Please forgive me for those days. In the end, you are the only one for me. I am nothing without you.

With everlasting and unconditional love,
Me

30 Day Letter Challenge - Dear Person that I hate/caused me pain...(Day 12)

2010-07-10T16:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Poverty,

I've known you since I was born. Before I even knew you existed, you were apart of my life - you were already apart of my history. When will you disappear? So many suffer because of you. So many people who lack basic everyday necessities (shelter, food, clean water, etc..) go without it. Do you understand how difficult life is without healthcare and a quality education? Some say poverty is a mindset, but I believe it's a reality that we must, first, take in and second, take action against. We must recognize you exist. I wish people would stop sugar-coating your effect on the living. They say we are where we are because of our poor decisions. Truth is we were born into you. We are oppressed by you. How can we come up when resources are constantly taken away? How can we come up when we are forced to attend the poorest schools? How can we escape from your strong grip when we are too weak from illness and hunger. You are unjust and hurtful. No one deserves to suffer in your name.

Tell your friends to spread the wealth around the world. Bring back basic human rights. I promise, your greed will be forgiven.

Sincerely,
Freedom Fighter

Let the Dollar Circulate by Billy Paul

You Don’t Get a Poem

2010-07-10T14:50:00.000-07:00

I wrote this last night...

You Don’t Get a Poem

You don’t get a poem

You don’t get a word to cling to;

To wonder if these words I am saying are directed towards you

You don't get a poem because your skin reeks of

rotting cities of dreams and hollow stomachs

The poets here

have overgrown into giants

Forcing their heads through the surface of your skin

Spreading your love all over this town

They have grown too accustomed to

these sleepless nights

Your lovers have grown too accustomed to

the pale mumbles of your aching body

And I know I am supposed to have mercy on you

I am suppose to forgive and let go

Go with the flow of your river

After all, I was built to know the suffering

My arms were sculpted to cradle your pain to sleep

My heart is your keeper

But you are so quick to bend down for life

Under the mental arrest of your stupidity,

you are so blind that you can not recognize the glare

of sunlight in your eyes;

Those beautiful eyes that can light up this crazy

little town on a good day

And me?

I am battered

I am wasted

But I am ready to get free

I am ready to claim the breath you

so desperately attempt to steal from my lips

For once I would like to walk away with something

A crown

that I can raise to the sky as an offering

An ode to my goddess, to the life she deserves to live,

and men who deserve her kiss

Our love was never perfect,

but it was mine.

So no,

you don’t get a poem

Not this time

This one

is for me.

30 Day Letter Challenge - Dear Deceased person I wish I could talk to...(Day 11)

2010-07-08T14:46:00.000-07:00

Felipe Ortiz

July 27, 1926 - June 2, 2006

Dear Welo,

This is actually my second letter to you. I left the first letter in your hands the day we said our final goodbye. Nothing has been the same since you passed that rainy Friday morning. Wela hasn't been the same. The family is still struggling to take care of her. She has Alzheimer's now (your suspicions were right), and she is battling breast cancer. This year has been a tough one for our family, but we are getting through it. Did you know it rained the whole week leading up to your burial? Just thought you should know. You are missed so much every day. Going to the house that you shared with Wela for over 40 years doesn't quite feel the same. Whenever I am there, I know in my heart something is missing. Your presence. Perhaps I got too accustomed to entering, walking over to your favorite chair and greeting you with a kiss and a "Bendición". I wish I could hear you sing that little song you used to sing when I was around. You remember, the song with my name? It's funny and unfortunate how the little things seem to only matter when they are greatly missed. I think I just expected you to always be there. Did I truly believe you would always be there when I came through that door? I think part of me did. But the other part knew you wouldn't, especially when I realized your health was fading. I was in denial. It took me a while to acknowledge the fact that you were sick because I couldn't stand the reality of losing you. There was so much I wanted to say to you. There was so much I wanted to ask you. There was so much I wanted to know about you and Wela and your life together in Puerto Rico; your life before the seven children. I wanted to hear in your own words where you met and the exact song that was playing when you first saw her. I wanted you to tell me about your time in Korea and how it changed your view on the world. A young Puerto Rican man who had never left the island, I am sure the war rocked your entire world. I still want to know, and the pain of possibly never knowing is paralyzing. I regret that we never really talked about your amazing life and it hurts so much that I will never get to really know the man who is my grandfather.

You had a wonderful life. You had great children, a beautiful wife who loved you so much. You were always surrounded by family and friends. You ate good. Drank good. I am at peace because I know we made your life great and worthwhile, and at the end, that's all that matters. I love you. I hope that you are resting peacefully, Welo.

Love always,
your granddaughter Vanessa

Ps: I was told that this was your favorite song because it was the song that was playing when you first met Wela. I listen to it whenever I am missing you.

30 Day Letter Challenge - Dear Someone I don’t talk to as much as I’d like to...(Day 10)

2010-07-07T12:26:00.000-07:00

Dear S (aka Reesecup),

I don't think I've ever told you how amazing you are. Well, here is my chance to tell you. Since I was eleven, you have been a streak of positive light in my life. You have a love for life and adventure that I've never seen in anyone. Even after all that you've been through, you still manage to keep a smile, playful attitude, and generous heart. At times I wish I was more like you. I've always admired your strength and wisdom. You taught me the true meaning of friendship. Because of you, I've learned to love life a little more. I learned to appreciate the little things. Because of you, I've learned how to take in those special moments. I'll never forget the blizzard of '96, singing along to your mom's Green Day Dookie album, and the late night Snick adventures. Some of my happiest memories include you. There are times when I want to go back, but you've taught me how to cherish the memories and move forward.

The last conversation we had in May made me realize how much I really miss talking to you. It's crazy how we can just pick up like nothing and ignore the months in between. You already know I don't need to pick up the phone to let you know I am thinking about you. I think about you all the time. And I know you think about me. I know I will have you forever, and for that I am grateful. I can't wait until we hang out again.

Love always,
Vanessa (aka Caramel)

30 Day Letter Challenge - Dear Someone I wish I could meet...(Day 09)

2010-07-06T17:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Future Husband,

I know it seems kind of weird that I am writing this letter to you, but I want to take this opportunity to let you know a few things.

You may already know this before even meeting me, but I am not perfect. I worry...a lot. I am impatient at times. My past has caused me to keep my guard up. I've been hurt so there are times when I may need a little reassurance - just let me know you still love me. I am indecisive. When something is bothering me I tend to shutdown. I am sensitive. I am emotional. And I over think too much.

However, I will be your biggest fan. I believe in supporting one another's dreams and seeing that we hold each other accountable for our goals and aspirations. I am loving and considerate. I would do anything for the ones I love. I am a great listener. I am an admirer and lover of the simple and little things in life. It doesn't take much to make me happy. I am a dreamer, but I keep it real. I would love your family and friends no matter how crazy they are. I love people - I appreciate and respect different personalities types. I know how to compromise. I hate arguments and do my best to avoid them. I believe communication is the key to a lasting relationship with anyone. Most importantly, I would give you everything, but I expect everything from you. I give what I receive.

I wish I could meet you...soon (that's me being impatient), but I know time will bring you to me. I just ask that you do right by me. Don't do me wrong. Take care of me at my weakest. Be patient with me during the hard times. And love me always.

With love,
Future Wifey

¡Viva Frida!

2010-07-06T15:33:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I have been a huge fan of Mexican painter Frida Kahlo since I first discovered her work in art class back in high school. Not only was she an extraordinary and intriguing artist and person, but her paintings are striking, raw, and very poetic. Most would categorize her work as surrealism, but to Frida her paintings were her reality - a reality of heartache and the chronic physical pain she had to endure due to a trolley accident that fractured her spine, and shattered her pelvis. She only painted what she knew, and that is what I love about her the most.

Today is her birthday. Frida would have celebrated 103 years of life if she did not pass away in 1954 at the age of 47. This post is dedicated to her life and work. Feliz Cumpleaños Frida! You live on forever!

"I paint my own reality. The only thing I know is that I paint because I need to, and I paint whatever passes through my head without any other consideration."

Self-portrait 1926, Oil on canvas

Lo Que el Agua me Dio, 1938

Las Dos Fridas, 1939, Oil on canvas

"I paint self-portraits because I am so often alone, because I am the person I know best."

Self-portrait 1940, Oil on canvas

Diego en Mi Mente, 1943, Oil on masonite

"There have been two great accidents in my life. One was the trolley, and the other was Diego. Diego was by far the worst."

Raices, 1943, Oil on sheet metal

La Colomna Rota, 1944

El Venadito, 1946, Oil on masonite

"Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly?"

Self-portrait with portrait of Dr. Faril, 1951, Oil on canvas

For more on the wonderful Frida Kahlo visit her official artist website.

30 Day Letter Challenge - Dear Internet Friend...(Day 08)

2010-07-05T14:38:00.000-07:00

Dear K,

I think you are a great writer. And I've always told you not to worry, if continue writing and NEVER stop, you will get to where you want to go with your writing. But you have to be patient, disciplined, and willing to work at it even in those moments where you feel discouraged. You already know I've been there and you have helped and supported me in those times when I needed inspiration and a push.

You are young, talented and smart. This journey of finding your voice in poetry isn't going to be easy. I think it will never get easy. But you already have the talent and drive to keep going. I always expect greatness from you, and I'm happy to have witness your growth in the past three years. You came a long way from the Writer's Cafe. You are a great friend.

Love,
NV

30 Day Letter Challenge - Dear Ex-boyfriend...(Day 07)

2010-07-05T14:08:00.000-07:00

Dear D,

Like our relationship, this will be short. I just want to thank you for helping me realize everything I want in a relationship. We were a mistake. There's no denying that, but the lessons I learned from our time together is valuable to me in ways I can not even describe. Truly.

So I won't waste my time by remembering the times you loved me, and the many times you physically and emotionally hurt me. I won't reminisce on the good and bad times. All you need to know from me is...we possessed those moments, and then we let them go. Only the lessons are meant to stay. And that's the way it goes...the way it's suppose to be.

I'll see you around.

Love,
Vanessa

30 Day Letter Challenge - Dear Stranger...(Day 06)

2010-07-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Young girl on the 57 bus tonight,

You are loved. You are already everything you need in this world. Has anyone ever told you that you are beautiful even without the make-up, the short shorts, and belly baring t-shirt? I wish I had the courage to reach out to you and ease your discomfort from the stares of the older man sitting across the aisle. But the breaking of my heart as I watched you reciprocate a desperate stare kept me in my place - I was just a stranger who should mind her own business.

It's not fair. You are just a girl. Where did we go wrong as women? When did we stop helping our young girls discover the real beauty that lies inside of them - the beauty in the place where no man can ever reach? I wish I could tell you that clothes do not make you a woman, nor do they make you sexy. Male attention does not justify womanhood or true sexiness. Womanhood is confidence, self-awareness, experience, and wisdom. True sexiness is unseen. It is unspoken. It's not what we see or hear. It's a feeling that comes from loving ourselves - the good and the bad. I pray that you learn this someday.

Love,
Lady in the purple blouse, 3rd row window seat

30 Day Letter Challenge - Dear Dreams...(Day 05)

2010-07-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Dreams,

There are days where I can feel you manifesting in the palm of my hand. And on those days, anything is possible. But there are also days where you seem miles away like a long distant lover. I want to bring you closer. I want to feel you bloom. I want you all to myself. It has nothing to do with money, fame, or glory. But it has everything to do with my own happiness, personal fulfillment, and peace of mind. You are so simple, yet every day I wonder if I will ever have the opportunity to see you come true. Still, I will never let you down. I will never give you up to the wind. You will always belong to me as long as I believe. Be patient with me, dreams. I am on my way.

Love,
The Dreamer

Run down 'til the sun goes down.

2010-07-02T03:08:00.000-07:00

The sun is coming up.
I'm already up...for no reason.
Mom will call me to run errands with her in a few hours.
Scratch itchy leg. Damn. Another mosquito bite. I must have sweet blood.
Get a second call from Mom asking if I am ready. Almost.
Run errands.
Come home and gather clothes to wash.
Engage in a staring contest with a strange man at the laundromat.
Wish we could get a washer/dryer installed so I wouldn't have to deal with this.
The Northside will be beautiful, and I will try my hardest to bask in her glory.
Update my Facebook status.
Check my phone and email every hour just in case I get called for a job.
Good friends will remind me of our plans for Saturday night.
At some point remind myself that there are only two weeks left before the semester starts.
God will be on my mind.
Everything else under God will be on my mind.
Write a letter.
Watch a movie that is going to put me into an even darker mood.
Heat up the grill.
Stay home for the rest of the night with a bottle wishing that it was him instead.
Or meet up with my cousin at the club, dance with a random guy and wish that it was him instead.
Come home feeling "gooood".
Call him.

He will ask why I couldn't sleep even though he already knows the answer.

Talk until we doze off.

Wake up just in time to see the sun come up again.

Scratch my itchy arm. Another bite.

Remind myself it won't always be this way.

30 Day Letter Challenge - Dear Sibling...(Day 04)

2010-07-01T17:48:00.000-07:00

Dear "Knarf",

You are the only person who can make me laugh one minute, and curse you out five minutes later. Throughout your 22 years on this earth, you have definitely mastered the art of knowing what buttons to push. Nevertheless, like I said, you make me laugh and you do have a sweet and childlike heart that I pray you always keep. Being the two youngest in the family, you and I always stood together. Wherever I went, you went. My friends were yours, and yours were mine. Of course that changed as we got older. And even though you tend to forget sometimes that you are the little brother and I am the big sister, I thank you for always looking out for me and mom. I'm forever grateful to have you as a brother. I love you, dork.

Love,

your big sis Vaness

30 Day Letter Challenge - Dear Parents...(Day 03)

2010-07-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

There are no words to describe my love for you. You have supported me through everything, and if not for you, I wouldn't be able to do half of the things I have done. Every thing I do, every decision I make is meant to make you proud.

I often think back on my childhood and replay those moments where you sacrificed and worked hard to take care of all of us. The moments where you struggled to keep our family afloat. I recognize it mom, and I thank you. We didn't have the best things, and life wasn't exactly like the lives of those on those family TV shows we used to watch, but it was the best life that you could provide for us. I wouldn't trade a second of it.

Thank you for giving me your name. I try every day to wear it with pride because I know you gave it to me for a reason. One day, the whole world will know it, and we will shine together. I love you.

Love,

Your daughter Nilsa Vanessa

~---------------------~

Dear Dad,

Read this.

Love,

Vanessa

Dreams, Dreams

2010-06-30T06:16:00.001-07:00

I was just thinking this morning while getting ready that dreams are truly real, and really, if we believe in ourselves enough, we can do anything . I know, nothing new, you've heard it before. I guess I've always known this, but I don't think I've ever taken it as serious as I did when I woke up this morning. I don't know why it came to me, but I am taking it as a sign.

There's no reason why I can not have the things that I want in life as far as career, goals, and family goes. I think for the first time in a long time I am finally seeing that my dreams are possible. And yes, I should believe in myself a little more. It also helps that I have a great team of people behind me. Plus, history shows us that there are plenty of people back then and today who have done great things.

I'm just feeling inspired today. I have to keep my positive attitude up. It's a beautiful day in Northside. I was blessed to see another one. This day will not go to waste. It's time to go out and bring those dreams a little more closer to home.

30 Day Letter Challenge - Dear Crush...(Day 02)

2010-06-29T14:21:00.000-07:00

Dear M,

When faced with the challenge of having to write a letter to my crush, I was stuck. I didn't know who to write this letter for, but then I thought: Who is someone I truly, genuinely like right now? Some one who stirs up those long lost middle school crush feelings in me. And of course you were the first person to pop into my head. It wasn't that hard after all.

I've only known you for a little over a year, but we both knew since the moment we met that there was an instant connection and chemistry between us. I still haven't figured out what it is about you. You still haven't figured me out either. Something tells me that it's a combination of natural attraction and simply the way we motivate and encourage each other to chase down our dreams. I support your music, and you support my poetry.

Most people wouldn't understand our relationship to each other. We both aren't prepared to jump into a relationship for reasons only you and I know. However, our friendship belongs to us. Only we understand what it all means, and to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. I learned a lot from you not only as friend, but also as a guy. Thank you for the lessons, for listening, and for encouraging me.

I got love for you. Always will.

Love,

Sunshine

Summer's calling...

2010-06-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

Just want to share a few photos my friend Raddiff took on his recent trip to Wissahickon Creek here in Philly.

So beautiful...this place is definitely calling my name.

^ This is my favorite ^

I think I'm in love...

2010-06-28T10:03:00.000-07:00

I've officially fallen in love with John Legend after watching last night's BET Awards where he received a humanitarian award. He received the award for his work through the Show Me Campaign to end poverty and reform education so that everyone child receives a quality education.

I love when people use their success and fame to put a spotlight on issues that affect our communities and world.

30 Day Letter Challenge - Dear Best Friend...(Day 01)

2010-06-27T09:57:00.000-07:00

Dear J,

You are my oldest friend. We've been friends since you were 3 and I was 4 years old. I was the shy, chubby new girl on the block, and you were a wild and carefree little thing. Opposites from the very beginning. We've seen each other through a lot...a fire, a divorce, and so much more. And although we don't talk or hang out as much as we used to (you have your babies, and I have...me), I want you to know when I look back on the life that I lived so far, most of the happiest moments include you. Sometimes I wish you knew that you have a thriving spirit inside of you that will carry you through the darkest of nights. It has gotten you this far, so trust in it.

Like a sister, you are someone who I know will always be in my life no matter what, and just knowing that makes me smile. I'm here always.

Love,

"Vinissa"

Joy part 2

2010-06-26T14:36:00.000-07:00

That's why they always say keep your head up.

You never know what you're going to miss.

A Challenge - 30 Letters, 30 Days

2010-06-26T11:57:00.000-07:00

I've been following a lot of interesting blogs lately, but mostly "fat-shion" blogs that are dedicated to plus-size fashion and curvy girl image acceptance. Being a plus-size girl myself, its interesting and I must admit empowering to see a community of women unite and support one another through blogs that promote positive body image, self-esteem, and of course, fashion.

But...this blog isn't about plus-size fashion. I will save that for another day:) This blog is about a challenge that I notice a lot of bloggers are doing and that is the 30 Day Letter Challenge! Basically how it works is everyday for 30 days you write a letter to a different person/thing in your life. Basic, simple, and fun.

I want to do this challenge because (1) I thought it would be cool to see what I can come up with for each day, (2) I don't ever participate in blog challenges so I think this will be good for me - gives me something to blog about, (3) I'm thirsty for inspiration. I'm hoping (and praying) this challenge will pull me out of the drought.

Here are the recipients of the letters for each day:

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

~~Day 5 — Your dreams~~

~~Day 6 — A stranger~~

~~Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush~~

~~Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend~~

~~Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet~~

~~Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to~~

~~Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to~~

~~Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain~~

~~Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you~~

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

First letter to my best friend will be up tomorrow! If you're down for the challenge, I also encourage you to give it a go.

Anyways...Have a great, safe weekend everyone and I will leave you with this song by Adele called "Make You Feel My Love". I am OBSESSED with this song!

All it took was a photo...

2010-06-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

All it took was a photo to make me realize that after all these years my bitterness has failed to settle inside of my heart. I must have pretended all of these years. All of these years....I resented you for this feeling of abandonment. I resented you for not feeling loved enough. Feelings are powerful and in full force when they are able to make me avoid any opportunity of ever seeing you again. I guess in my mind, you were already gone. But when I saw that photo, my heart knew better.

I always knew that eventually I would have to forgive. Its apart of a process. Its apart of the bigger picture that is my life. I allowed myself to be angry and hurt the years in between. I gave myself the right to be. But looking at that recent photo made me realize one thing. Time has passed so swiftly and there is so much that we both don't know. The new wrinkles on your face tell me that time has pasted...and it will never stop passing.

I thought about you on Sunday. I was wondering if you were thinking about us. I was wondering if you were thinking about the one who made that day special for you. Your first baby. We both wouldn't be what we are today if we didn't have each other. I made you a man, and you gave me my names....Vanessa...poet. And I realize I could quite possibly be the only thing you have ever done right in your life. For years I wanted you to know that. But I realize you already do.

All it took was a photo for me to know....we all have those things that make their way to haunt us every night. If you are like me (if I am like you), then you too are familiar with the feeling of dark walls closing in and being locked up with nothing to inhale but the stiff thoughts of regret that always lingers. I know you have regrets. If you are like me (if I am like you), you do. But from here on out, make it better and I promise to do the same. Because judging by the photo of you, time has passed swiftly since we have been apart. I feel that it is about that time that we enjoy it together. But you have to make that happen papa. Because I am like my mother. I won't make the first move. I'm leaving it up to you. My heart isn't bitter for you anymore. It never really was. So whenever you realize that time does not belong to us, that she is not here to stay, I will be here in the same place where you left me. Ready to love.

Book Signing Update!...con fotos!

2010-06-14T04:28:00.000-07:00

Hello good people! Well, I know its been a while since my last blog post. To be honest I really don't have an excuse since I have been out of school since mid-May. However I go back mid-July, which means I will make it my duty to blog as much as possible before my brain goes back into school mode. Promise.

I just want to share a few photos from my book signing last month, which was a complete success by the way! I was really nervous about turn-out, but everything came along very well that night with the support of my family, friends, and the night's awesome host, YTG - fellow poet (I'm a lucky girl).

Anyway, I usually get really nervous before any show, but some reason I was really dreading having to speak and read at this event. I think the nerves were a combination of it being my first book signing event, and the fact that I would be reading in front of family and friends, some who have never seen me read before. However, I have to say that because of their presence, I actually felt really comfortable up there. I felt more at ease than usual :)It was definitely a night to remember! I remember having a much needed drink with my friends afterwards over at the bar area and feeling so...accomplished! I remember my friend Helen saying with a smile, "take it all in, sweetheart". And I remember trying really hard to take in the moment and the feeling, and part of me did. But the other part of me was ready to move along and take on more. I think the book signing was exactly what I needed to keep pushing along this crazy journey I got myself into. I'll keep pushing for myself, for Northside, and for every person who was there to support me and my poetry. More than ever, I am ready to do more and to be more.

So while I leave you all to prepare myself for my next "thing", I will leave you with a small glimpse of that special night...

Ps: As far as writing goes, things are looking a little....dry. Just a little bit. So I decided I'm going to pick up a few poetry books to read over the summer. Any suggestions??

In the Thick

2010-05-22T11:34:00.000-07:00

In the Thick

Halfway never felt so good on this side of the bed…

And quiet are the secrets we recite to our walls each night

They land on petals upon my thighs

Your rosey lips could cure this madness

Absorb our screeching moans and oohs

Coming hard like a train…

And halfway never felt so good on this side of the bed.

Catching shadows on the ceiling,

I realize I can lie here

like the good lamb and give in.

I could grow tender - fall off my bones

and crawl onto your tongue…

Because halfway never felt this good on this side of the bed.

In the thick night,

you come to play the beast,

and in your slow purr

you whisper into my wet ear…

“What is it, Miss, that will take you away from me?”

Photography by pakpao on DeviantArt.com

Book Release PARRRRTAY!

2010-05-21T15:26:00.000-07:00

Come join me welcome as I celebrate the release of my second collection of poetry, Northside Cries and Lullabies!!

Friday May 28th, @ Sin City nightclub

258 E Allegheny Ave (B & Allegheny)

Philadelphia, PA 19134

8-10 pm

Book signing and reading followed by open mic and an after party celebration!
Free refreshments and cash bar available.
For questions/more info: goodbyegirlnv@gmail.com

Northside Cries and Lullabies is the second collection of poetry and prose by poet N.V. Torres. The book is a poetic exploration into the growth and struggles of a woman living on the northside of Philadelphia.

You can purchase and advanced copy of her book for 12.99 at:
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/northside-cries-and-lullabies/6408946

About the Author:

N.V. Torres is a Puerto Rican poet and artist from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Born and raised in North Philly, she has been writing poetry since the age of eleven with her very first poem being a love poem for her best friend. Northside Cries and Lullabies is her second collection of poetry and prose. In 2007, she self-published her first collection of poems entitled I Know All The Right Things To Say.

http://www.nvtorres.webs.com/

http://www.itsalwayssunnyinnorthside.blogspot.com/

She is the Way (a poem)

2010-04-26T18:59:00.000-07:00

Yola! Been away for a while, but for good reasons. I have lots of updates to add on here very soon, but until then enjoy this new piece...

She is the Way

What does it mean today
when a woman can scrape off
your layers under harsh light and
bury your old skin in the backyard where the dogs cannot dig them back up?

What does it mean
when a woman removes the moon from between her legs
so a simple man could feel
stroke
and taste
the god that dwells inside of her?

Sometimes you forget
A woman can not only extend her hips,
But she can expand her mind and screams wide enough
to flare up a revolution within you
You forget that she is the way

She is
a beautifully made instrument
She is a vessel in which the best things travel through
A vessel of love
Carrying water
Harboring seeds, stories, and truth
With the ability to lift prayers too faint to reach heaven

She is grace
Every inch of hip, breast, arm, and belly
Every laugh line, wrinkle
Every broken heart, wet eye, drop of blood
was premeditated
and rightfully positioned
to preserve the truest combination of beauty and power in the universe.

She is the way
Follow
and love her…

Love her.

Nights when we knew...

2010-04-02T22:11:00.000-07:00

Nights

What happened to those nights
of smeared lipstick
and wandering hands.

What happened to
white, wrinkled, linen sheets
and sweaty palms.

What happened to
passion at night
followed by pancakes in the morning.

What happened to
swollen lips
from kisses that vowed to never end.

Did they find a new home?

2007
From my first collection, I Know All The Right Things To Say.

2:38 am

2010-03-24T23:27:00.000-07:00

In the beginning...

We were weeping giants.

Instarzz Feature

2010-03-23T00:14:00.000-07:00

Shout out to Inkstarzz.com for featuring my poetry in their Writer's Corner!

Check it HERE, people!

Enjoy ;)

RIP Ai

2010-03-21T22:25:00.000-07:00

Ai
(October 21, 1947 – March 20, 2010)

Conversation
by Ai

We smile at each other
and I lean back against the wicker couch.
How does it feel to be dead? I say.
You touch my knees with your blue fingers.
And when you open your mouth,
a ball of yellow light falls to the floor
and burns a hole through it.
Don’t tell me, I say. I don't want to hear.
Did you ever, you start,
wear a certain kind of silk dress
and just by accident,
so inconsequential you barely notice it,
your fingers graze that dress
and you hear the sound of a knife cutting paper,
you see it too
and you realize how that image
is simply the extension of another image,
that your own life
is a chain of words
that one day will snap.
Words, you say, young girls in a circle, holding hands,
and beginning to rise heavenward
in their confirmation dresses,
like white helium balloons,
the wreaths of flowers on their heads spinning,
and above all that,
that’s where I’m floating,
and that’s what it’s like
only ten times clearer,
ten times more horrible.
Could anyone alive survive it?

happy happy...

2010-03-15T22:51:00.000-07:00

Now Available: Northside Cries & Lullabies by N.V. Torres

2010-02-26T16:04:00.000-08:00

Northside Cries and Lullabies is the second collection of poetry and prose by poet N.V. Torres. The book is a poetic exploration into the growth and struggles of a woman living on the northside of Philadelphia.

Excerpt:
"Once upon a time, I was in love with the world and the world was infallible in my young eyes. War and Crime were not guest at my tea parties. Inequity was irrelevant. On summer afternoons in the omnipresence of chaos, drugs and violence, I was a little girl sitting on hot pavement - ants in my hand as they wandered the mounts of my palm. According to my 6 year old self, all was good in the world. Sometimes I feel like I will never see that little girl again."

Northside Cries & Lullabies (2010)
ISBN: 978-0-578-05067-6
Goodbye Publishing House
Paperback, 113 pages

Now Available on Lulu.com! Click the link for a preview!

Also, I decided to open an account on Formspring.me so you guys can submit any questions you may have about NC&L. Check it out! And I opened a NC&L Fan Page on Facebook! Make sure you add it! Shouts to everyone who already added themselves as fans :)

My next steps are to...

*Set up a few readings

*Promote, Promote, Promote!

*And maybe plan a small book release party? We'll see :)

I want to thank everyone who has helped me make this book happen...you all know who you are. Enjoy the book. It is not only 110% all me, but its also a dream come true to be able to leave my mark and produce something that will be around long after I'm gone. I'm humbled and proud. Gracias.

formspring.me

2010-02-26T09:26:00.001-08:00

How was your poem selection process for this book different from your previous book?

With the first book, I Know All The Right Things To Say, I had to choose from a collection of poems that were written from the ages of 17 - 22. Out of those, I selected about 63 poems that represented different aspects of my life that were important to me at the time since the book was about me introducing my voice in poetry. So I broke them down into Life, Discovery, Love, and Justice, and chose the poems that I felt best represented each of those.

The process was a little different for Northside Cries and Lullabies. I wrote the poems and prose specifically for this book, keeping in mind the vision that I had for it. Also, whats different about this book is that I included a few collaborative pieces that I had written with other poets I met from different writing communities.

Ask me anything about Northside Cries & Lullabies!

formspring.me

2010-02-24T18:18:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything about Northside Cries & Lullabies! http://formspring.me/nvtorres

Almost there.

2010-02-19T05:49:00.000-08:00

So, my proof copy of NC&L has arrived and I'm very pleased. I made some changes to the cover, for the better - at least I think so. Next step is to edit any mistakes I might have missed the first time around, and make a few minor edits to the front and back cover.

I'll be taking a short break away from the laptop to help chaperone a retreat in the Poconos this weekend. Still, I'm gonna try and get some editing (and homework!) done in my free time, and hopefully I could post the book up for purchase on Monday :)

2010-02-12T21:53:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you have to take a step back and remember who you are. Lately, I find myself questioning if some of the decisions I'm making are true to who I am. Am I sacrificing? It feels good, yet wrong. I can't pretend that the little things don't matter to me anymore. Each day that passes they matter more and more, and my eyes can no longer hide the truth.

I think thats what I'm looking for. Truth. The question is, when will I be ready to go out and search for what is good and truthful? And should I continue to sacrifice in the meantime?

Big Pimpin', baby...Philadelphia Demeanor

2010-02-11T01:30:00.000-08:00

Yo-la, Phil-ly! Guess who is this month's Big Pimpin' feature?

Yup. Philadelphia's own Irwin Roman, also known as P.

So, I first met P in early 2009 at an open mic night hosted by Dope Boys of Poetry which is a group of Philly poets in which P is also a member. He is notoriously known within the group for writing short, yet powerful poetry. The man is direct and likes to get his readers straight to the point and ain't nothing wrong with that!

I decided to feature him this month because not only do I enjoy his writing style, but he has also officially joined the self-publishing club with the recent release of his first poetry collection, Philadelphia Demeanor.

Plus, dude was kind enough to split a little ink with me on a collaborative poem, The Zoo, in my upcoming book which you will get to read very soon.

Feels good to see Philly doing big things :)

Here's a poem from his collection, and one of my personal favorites...Isis:

Isis

by Irwin "P" Roman

He told me her code name was Isis

But he doesn't realize that he's not the first man she treated like this

The highs where unbelievable but they came with devastating lows

Isis was well versed in the ring she handed excruciating blows

But he still loved her and just quite why nobody knows

He adored the she devil from her head down to her toes

And then came the day he couldn't take it no more

Next thing he knows Isis had walked out the door

But he never had the chance to tell her how he feels

He was so ready to buy that ring and on bended knee kneel

With wounds so deep that years later they still haven't healed

But it's over now like 112's Bad Boy deal

And Isis' M.O. just keeping it real

Is playing with the hearts of men just to stomp them with her stiletto heels

Now once he told me about the girl with the code name Isis

I told him since the days of Adam and Eve there's always been girls like this.

Click HERE to purchase P's book

Philadelphia Demeanor

by Irwin Roman

More...

http://www.nerdgang.blogspot.com/

http://stores.lulu.com/nerdgang

R U Ready?

2010-02-07T02:23:00.000-08:00

Yola (Yo + Hola) beautiful people ;)

I'm in good spirits this week. Do you know why? Because my baby, Northside Cries & Lullabies, is FINALLY going to be published at the end of this week! Yup, you heard right. And I must say, its coming along well with over 50 poems and featured collaborations with fellow poets Christian Alvarez, Kevon Crute, This_isjust_M, Rome, and Irwin Roman who recently published his first collection of dope poetry, Philadelphia Demeanor.

I'm hoping and praying for the nothing but dopeness and positive energy while the birth of this collection comes to an end.

I'm feeling...

*satisfied

*ready

*hype

*relieved

...but mostly excited to finally place this baby into your hands :)

In the meantime, I'll also be brainstorming ideas for the release and the promotion which we all know I suck at. So again, any ideas or resources for online and/or offline book marketing would REALLY help!

Black History - The High Priestess of Soul

2010-02-05T07:36:00.000-08:00

Nina Simone was an African American singer, song-writer, pianist, composer and civil rights activist whose long musical career still influences modern music today. Born Eunice Kathleen Waymon on February 21, 1933 in Tryon, North Carolina, Nina (also known as The High Priestess of Soul) started playing the piano at the age of four. She continued her musical education into adulthood, studying classical piano at Julliard School of Music. In 1958, she recorded her debut album, Little Girl Blue, which was the first in a long list of successful studio and live albums. It is this impressive repertoire that has caught the ears of many of today’s musical artist, such as Mos Def, Kanye West, Mary J. Blige, and Lil’ Wayne. Many artists have sampled Nina’s music into their own work, introducing the musical genius of “The High Priestess of Soul” to a younger generation of listeners.

Nina’s contribution to modern day Hip-Hop and Rhythm and Blues is evident today’s music. Many of today’s musical artists credit her for impacting their style and music. Talib Kweli was quoted in an interview as saying "Nina Simone was very inspirational as a person to me.” Kweli also remixed Nina’s 1966 song, Four Women.

Another admirer of Nina’s music is Lil’ Wayne. The rapper sampled parts of Nina’s Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood in the introduction and chorus of his song DontGetIt which can be found on his successful 2008 album, Tha Carter III.

Dr. Simone is also appreciated in today’s Rhythm and Blues genre. Mary J. Blige’s song, About You, featuring Will.I.Am, contains elements of Nina’s Feeling Good throughout the chorus. The singer is also slated to star as Nina in a film chronicling her life. The film is due to release in 2012. Nina’s music can also be found in various movie soundtracks, and television commercials. Her great impact on modern music is endless.

Even though Nina Simone is no longer with us (sadly, she died of breast cancer in 2003), her music is still admired by those who came after her. If Nina were alive today, she would probably view the fact that other musicians are sampling and remixing her work as a form of admiration. She paved the way for many of today’s African American Rhythm and Blues artists. The sampling technique has provided these artists with the opportunity to bring forth the music of yesterday into today. Because of this, her influence in music is still strong. Younger listeners are able to appreciate the bluesy, yet intense nature of Nina Simone’s music. This can only mean one thing - her legacy will live on f o r e v e r.

Nina Simone's Official Website

the elements of being...Goodbyes.

2010-01-30T21:09:00.000-08:00

good·bye -

1. farewell; a formula used to another person or persons when the speaker or writer or the person addressed to is departing.

Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.
~ Snoopy

Say goodbye to the oldies, but goodies, because the good old days weren't always good and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems.
~ Billy Joel

Man's feelings are always purest and most glowing in the hour of meeting and of farewell.
~ Jean Paul Richter

Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need to know of hell.
~ Emily Dickinson

The story of life is quicker then the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye.
~ Jimi Hendrix

Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending.
~ Lazurus Long

Farewell! God knows when we shall meet again.
~ William Shakespeare

Afterthoughts After Loving

2010-01-23T13:17:00.001-08:00

Hello friend.

It has been a while since I've posted any poetry on here. Muse was out on vacation somewhere, but I can feel it calling out my name again ;)

Hope you enjoy this shorty - Afterthoughts After Loving...

The morning after

is the darkest of them all

The coming of solitude

and swallowing the heavy hard lump of regret -

scratching the sides of my throat

as it makes its way down

where it will sit with me all afternoon...

until your next phone call.

In the mirror

I see you

in pieces still clinging to the corners of my mouth

D r y

this

the

start

of scraping off the afterthoughts.

Big Pimpin' - The Millenium Kid

2010-01-21T11:50:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't be me if I didn't make it a goal in life to constantly seek and surround myself with people who are not only creative, positive, motivated, but also driven. That's why I want to create a "Big Pimpin" series - perhaps a monthly post where I feature some of my friends and their work (poetry, artwork, music, etc). The world deserves to know their names.

And we will jump start this "Big Pimpin" series right with my friend, The Millenium Kid.

The Millenium Kid is an artist and talented beat-maker on a mission "to provide a service beyond exceptional by way of music".

And lucky for us, he also enjoys picking up the pen from time to time, writing lyrics and poetry. The boy got skills, musically and lyrically, which is why I wanted to feature two of his poems, The Gemini Lover, and Drama Outside My Window.

Remember his name, people! I have no doubt that he will be the one to put his hometown Norristown, PA on the map some day.

Until then, I guarantee you will enjoy these two poems, as well as his MYSPACE MUSIC PAGE.

The Gemini Lover

The way she began since origin

One body two minds combined within

The essence of intellect

Overshadowed the power to intercept

Vision to make a man make amends

Beauty in the eye of the gem

Traveling through a black hole

Still shine like the lights in the cosmos

Pulled me in too soon

Force of gravity had me stuck

Like earth & moon

She’s May, she’s June, she's hot

Just enough to burn in two

Any man’s retina couldn’t see

He'd end up with two left shoes

She's witty, one side two side pretty

Woosa woosa won’t help, this ride is slippery

Not to mention the other side, shifty

Damn I guess it happened so fast it missed me

Sorry me, pardon me I see

A separation from the good and the E.

Now I know I’m a little more than feet

I’m waist deep in this lady's mystic

Even knowing the future is bleak

It’s hard... Damn it’s hard for one man

To compete with two opposites like War & Peace

Believe me, it’s gonna be a journey to cease

The irrelevant behavior of such a beast.

Drama Outside My Window

Its drama outside my window

Poor hopes and trash

No need to check the forecast

For how the wind blow

Yesterday's repeat of pain and snow

See the block from a bird’s eye

From my nest of sess inside

Opens my mind to reality

Check time its rec time

Zombies assemble similar to lunch lines

From sunny days the windows open

Feel the breeze of misery

Prayin’ one day the street is empty

But only in my dreams I see that visually

Call me a hypocrite

But if my window was a ship

Wouldn’t I be able to steer away from this?

Maybe I like it

Maybe I see the future like a psychic

my tarot cards are words of wisdom

to those who might invite it

Change I see none still

Watchin’ a busy street with snails

Consider our heaven hell

Only peace is deceased and under the grail

We shall prosper

Young minorities see glory in

The transformation of civilized to monster

In due time young minds will conjure

The power to end the sponsors.

Northside's Coming Out (the cover)

2009-11-20T10:42:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gents, here is the cover to my second collection of poetry....

Being that I am completely self-publishing this book, the cover was designed and created by me under Aslin V. Designs (yes, I wear many hats).

Besides what is printed on the pages, the book cover is one of the most important aspects of any book. It's the first thing the reader will see, so you have to make a great first impression. I choice this design because I think it is a perfect reflection of the poems I selected for this book. Many of the poems talk about the urban surroundings and struggles of my neighborhood in North Philly (Northside). The collection is really not only about my growth as a woman, lover, poet and artist, but it's also a tribute to the place where the growth happens - my neighborhood. I thought it would only be right that I put a shot of the Northside on the cover. Shout outs to Google Maps for providing me an aerial picture of my hood!

And...if you get a chance, please check out my WEBSITE.

Thanks for all the love & support. It means the world to me. I can't wait for you guys to read it!!!

xo

The Divine Principles of the Goddess...Me

2009-11-18T12:35:00.001-08:00

Ma'at was the goddess of Truth, Balance and Order. The Egyptians believed that Ma'at balanced everything. They lived their lives following her 42 principles with the hopes of dying with a weighless heart - free of worry and sin. The Egyptians also believed that without the following laws, the universe would become chaotic...

The 42 Divine Principles of the Goddess Ma'at

I have not committed sin.
I have not committed robbery with violence.
I have not stolen.
I have not slain men or women
I have not stolen food.
I have not swindled offerings.
I have not stolen from God/Goddess.
I have not told lies.
I have not carried away food.
I have not cursed.
I have not closed my ears to truth
I have not committed adultery.
I have not made anyone cry.
I have not felt sorrow without reason
I have not assaulted anyone
I am not deceitful.
I have not stolen anyone’s land
I have not been an eavesdropper
I have not falsely accused anyone.
I have not been angry without reason.
I have not seduced anyone’s wife.
I have not polluted myself.
I have not terrorized anyone.
I have not disobeyed the Law.
I have not been exclusively angry.
I have not cursed God/Goddess.
I have not behaved with violence.
I have not caused disruption of peace.
I have not acted hastily or without thought.
I have not overstepped my boundaries of concern
I have not exaggerated my words when speaking.
I have not worked evil.
I have not used evil thoughts, words or deeds
I have not polluted the water
I have not spoken angrily or arrogantly.
I have not cursed anyone in thought, word or deeds.
I have not placed myself on a Pedestal.
I have not stolen what belongs to God/Goddess.
I have not stolen from or disrespected the deceased.
I have not taken food from a child.
I have not acted with insolence.
I have not destroyed property belonging to God/Goddess.

I have to say, one of the reasons why I am so intrigued by these 42 principles is because I am the type of person that finds comfort and security in structure. I like rules (as along as they are my own rules) which is why while reading the 42 divine principles of the Goddess Ma'at, I felt inspired to write my own principles of living because after all I am a goddess.....at least of my own universe ;)

So here they are: my very own divine principles of living and of keeping my own little universe in order. It's a work in progress, but I plan on adding more principles as I move along in life learning, experiencing and growing...

The Divine Principles of the Goddess V

I will create art and beauty from nothing.
I will share with the world, and become an open vessel so the world can share with me.
I will be the best at everything I do, no matter how small or big the task.
I will love God first and always.
I will love my Goddess I will myself.
I will love my family, friends, and lovers unconditionally.
I will love my colleagues and acquaintances.
I will love my enemies with one eye open.
I will be brave.
I will be genuine - I will always be me.
I will be proud but never too proud to pray.
I will be humble and connected to the Earth.
I will be loyal and mindful of my roots no matter where the wind takes me.
I will question everything.
I will never settle for a stone if I desire a diamond.
I will be a follower of my own standards so long as my feet touch the Earth.

Ok. I may not have 42 but 16 is a good start, no?
I'm going to write more, but so far....this is it.

Still crying for parts lost and long gone

2009-11-14T04:34:00.000-08:00

When caught up in a good feeling, consequences are so far from our minds.

We take advantage of the sensation - licking it clean and taking whatever we can from it. Some of us know a good thing doesn't linger for long so the intake is always fast and dramatic, but satisfying. And for some of us the consumption is smoother, longer, but we barely survive the withdrawal period when it goes away. And then, when that good old feeling comes around again, we fall into our old habits. Do we ever learn?

My point: There are consequences to everything, even if its good.

If we consume too much of something that is good, we leave no space for the things that are bad. The potential for growth, improvement - the lessons learned - become the last drops at the bottom of the cup. Suddenly, at the end we see it all.

And now.....a poem.

still crying for parts lost and long gone
still mourning us
in the opening

we swallowed the splendor
opened wide while
it's juices trickled
dangerously
down the sides of our cheeks
we laughed

we were so thirsty darling
we were a bad combination

we were

untamed
starved
lonely and aching.

Remembering the Sabores of My Cocina Cookbook

2009-11-13T08:09:00.000-08:00

Remembering the Sabores of My Cocina is a book of recipes compiled by the National Latino Alliance for the Elimination of Domestic Violence (ALIANZA). This cookbook is a collection of various Latino dishes submitted by people all over the Unites States, including my own contribution. I submitted my mother's Sancocho recipe in memory of my cousin, Sharleen Santiago who was a victim of Domestic Violence.

The purpose of this project is raise awareness for Domestic Violence with all proceeds going directly to ALIANZA.

Click HERE to learn more.
Help support this important cause!

October's Baby (A Short Story)

2009-11-11T16:13:00.000-08:00

I sat in the bathroom counting down the months with my fingers. February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September…October. October!

“Aw honey, she’ll be here in October!” I yelled out to Jonathon while walking into the bedroom.

There he was, my husband of five wonderful years, sitting at the edge of the bed. He did this every morning before heading to his job over at the hospital. I noticed a change in Jonathon’s behavior three weeks ago when I told him I was pregnant. Ever since he has been somewhat distant - always in his head. One morning I asked him what he was doing sitting there looking into space, and he said “Nothing. Just thinking”.

I jumped back under the warm covers and made myself comfortable next to him.

“I’m due in October! That means we could have conceived on our Valentine’s Day getaway or the night you made that beautiful dinner”.

I chuckled, “Or the weekend we were at your parent’s house…”

I waited for a response. Nothing.

I look over to him. Jonathon was staring down at his shoes.

“Are you ok?” I asked while putting my arms around his chest.
I love the way he smells after a shower.

“Liza, I’m fine”. He stood up and left for work.

I knew he wasn’t fine. Every time I mentioned the baby, Jonathon would purposely change the subject, or leave the room. It was around this time last year that we found out we were pregnant with Alyssa. I remember the day he came home from work and walked into the bathroom. Three pregnancy tests in the sink all displaying little pink plus signs. I’ll never forget the look on his face - he was so happy. We were trying for so long. The pregnancy was a breeze. We did everything right – prenatal vitamins, frequent doctor visits, healthy diet, and I even delivered on my exact due date. But there were complications during the labor. As soon as the doctor slipped her out of me I knew something was wrong. All of the sudden, everyone in the room got really quiet. Our baby girl laid lifeless between my legs. Stillborn. The umbilical cord was entangled and had stopped the flow of blood to her body. The nurses tried to take her way, but I didn’t let anyone touch her. I just held my baby in my arms and rocked back and forth. Her tiny lips were so blue. Jonathan couldn’t even look at her.

Losing Alyssa was probably the worst period of our lives. I resigned from my job at the elementary school. I couldn’t go back to teaching knowing that my Alyssa was gone. Being around children was too hard for me. Jonathan could only afford to take a week off from the hospital, but he spent every minute of that time comforting me. We didn’t try immediately for another baby. We thought it would be a while until we try, but sure enough we were pregnant again. I was accepting this baby as a second chance for the both of us. We needed this. Jonathan’s attitude towards this pregnancy put a strain on our marriage. As if he is afraid to love this baby; to feel joy for this new life we were given. He was scared to feel anything for fear that it would be taken away again. But you are safe inside of me.

I began planning for our little angel’s arrival even though Jonathan told me not to. After he left, I spent the rest of the day shopping online for the baby -buying a new crib for the nursery, clothes, toys, the works. He didn’t want me buying things, so I would sneak around. Sometimes I found myself feeling anxious for him to leave so I could go online and browse the internet for baby things. It’s ok. Daddy’s gonna be happy again when he sees you. I didn’t want her feeling any of the negative energy. I kept thinking maybe once the baby was here, healthy, he will change. We will be a family.

I wrapped up my online shopping session and headed to the bedroom to gather the laundry. I passed the nursery and smiled. I went rummaging through the closet for Jonathon’s scrubs when I came across a duffel bag stuffed with clothing. I felt light-headed. Is he leaving us? He’s leaving me to take care of you all by myself.

It was close to dinner time when Jonathan walked through the door. Behind him was a woman – young, tall, with curly brown hair. This is the woman he is leaving us for.

I ran to where they were standing.

“Who is this? And explain to me why I found this duffel bag in the back of our closet?”

His face was pale.

“Liza, this is Dr. Lozada. She is…..a Psychologist at work. She’s here to help you.”

“Help? Jonathan, I don’t need the help! You’re the one who needs help!”
Tears were coming down my face.
“Ever since I got pregnant you’ve neglected me. And the baby. You act as if you don’t want her!”
He gripped me by the shoulders.
“Liza, there is NO baby!”

“Yes there is! You don’t have to be afraid, Jon…don’t you see this is our second chance.”

He broke down onto the couch, hands over his head.

“You can’t have children, Liza! You lost a lot of blood with Alyssa. They had to remove your uterus to stop the bleeding. It’s impossible for you to be pregnant. I’m sorry.”

I put my hand over my stomach. My heart was beating so loud I think the doctor heard it from across the room.

“You’re lying,” I cried out.
“She’s right here Jonathon…” I said pointing at my stomach.

He stood up to hug me; the smell of his after-shave still fresh on his neck.

“Baby, you’re sick. Dr. Lozada thinks you might be suffering from a type of post-partum depression or…..or trauma. I can’t help you. But you’re going to go with her, and she’s going to give you the help that you need.”

He walked over and handed Dr. Lozada the duffle bag.

“Hi, Liza. We’re going to take good care of you” she said.

“No! Jon, please I don’t want to go…PLEASE!”

I was on my knees when two gentlemen in uniforms walked in. Each one lifted me up by my arms and we walked out the door.
I looked back at my husband, and with saddest face I had ever seen, he said “I love you” and closed the door behind me.

The gentlemen in uniforms helped me into the backseat of the car. One sat on each side. As we drove way I felt a small flutter in my belly. I told her we will be ok.

I promise.

Me, Northside Cries and Lullabies, and a Pimp

2009-11-09T06:46:00.000-08:00

Been a minute, huh?

First, I haven't been around much because (1) Having technical issues (aka my computer is down and my tech guy isn't really feeling me at the moment) (2) Writing has been put on the back burner for the last few weeks. I was busy doing some soul searching - talking to God, talking to myself and stuff. Yeah, and I'm in the process of going back to school in January for Early Childhood Education :)

Excuses, excuses...I know. However, since then I've been trying to get this train rolling on my second collection of poetry, Northside Cries & Lullabies. I know I keep pushing back the release date but it just doesn't feel ready yet. Every day a new idea hits me and I fall back into it like an ex-lover I can't let go of. So I decided not to rush it. It's done when it's done! sigh. That's the advantage of self-publishing.

But seriously, words fail to express how nervous and excited I am about releasing this collection...

Nerves: As a writer, most of my inspiration comes from my own real life and from the things and people around me. It isn't easy for me to put myself out there and there are a lot of personal pieces in this collection - true thoughts and feeling; real life experiences.

Excitement: Once again, putting myself back out into the universe and improving my skills in book marketing and self-promotion (which I SUCK at so ideas are always welcomed).

I'm also excited about the several collaborative poems I decided to add to the book. It was truly a last minute idea, but I think it's a good way to display some of my collaborations with the cool, talented poets I met via writing communities and open mics.

My new month resolutions (I know we're already a week into November, but work with me):

*Get a new tech guy
*Finish up collaborative poems, and editing.
*Develop a GOOD marketing plan (aye aye aye)
*Show my blog some more lovin' (blog more often)

November has brought me a whole new wave of positive energy. I think I'm finally learning that I have to put out what I want to receive :) I'm feeling good, ya'll! It's going to be a long ride for sure.
Hold tight!

In the mean time, you can enjoy this video blog by my MetroLine Media partner and homeskillet, Mr. Angel Lozada! Aside from his awesome sense of humor, dude is hella talented, smart and has a great future in telecommunications ahead of him. Make sure you subscribe to his BLOG and YouTube Channel.

Glossy (Spoken)

2009-09-29T14:21:00.000-07:00

Insomnia + audacity + microphone + lil ol' me = Another attempt at Spoken Word (Glossy).

I'm trying to get more comfortable with reading my stuff. I don't consider myself a spoken word artist at all - I'm more of a paper poet, but once in a while I like to experiment and try something different.

And theres nothing wrong with that...

Ps: If you want to hear more, Click Here for my ReverbNation Page!

Glossy

Saturday nights spread thickly
like lip gloss
A sheer, pink shade that shimmers
beneath the lights
sending a violent heat wave
across the bar
when
trouble walked in with
boots
knee-high
and full lashes

all
eyes
on...

her.

She
made us stop
and take notice
She
made me wish...

wish my breast could know the sun
the same way this girl
knows danger -
the way she plays with fire
Igniting flames in the snugged parts of each man she passes
Inhaling the howls
and sipping on the heavy pants
sloppy
wet

glossy

I watch the
spectacle from afar
soaking in my own
mire of insecurities and
wondering

How much that kind of freedom would cost...

On any given rainy day,
how many pennies would I have to save
to buy that kind of power
with legs closed?

9 Days of Rain

2009-09-14T01:06:00.000-07:00

It once rained for nine days straight here in Philly...

9 Days of Rain

It was suppose to be a red
and dry season
But it rained for nine days straight this month.

Her cries were
tears over the ocean -
They did not matter to him.

And she still believes them when
they say they can make her forget.
The two things she fears more than God are

empty bedrooms
and the slow movement of a single breath.
Why stop here when there is so much love in the world?

She can never let go
With a sweaty grip
She still holds tight

The last time she tried to say goodbye
She promised herself
that the next one would love her better and wetter...

better
and
wetter.

Sweet Tea

2009-09-12T13:51:00.000-07:00

There was no real inspiration behind this one except that I love sweet tea. This poem was just for fun.

Ps: Sweet tea and love go together like summer and the city.

Sweet Tea

My lover from the northside
has gone to pick me flowers from my neighbor's garden
My honey boy, sticky and fresh
tangerine lips
How can I forget?
A smile that I feel somewhere deep
tickles my feet
Lost in his eyes
open spaces
where my heart is free to fly,

my lover from the northside...

made me breakfast while I was still in bed
Eggs, toast with jelly
and a nice hot cup of tea
'Extra sugar, please!'
Sipped his love slowly
Like the hymns of the pigeons outside
Momma said he seems like a good guy
And his hands never do lie,

my lover from the northside...

isn't as tough as he appears
Not stone-cold, grim
Yes, the boy loves his Tims
but when the boots come off -
under my bed
He is the perfect shade of red
Passionate and gentle at the same time
I'm a mosquito
and his sweet blood makes my tongue cry,

my lover from the northside -

his love spreads far
from here to Crooklyn
Feels like warm milk spilling in
He carries this poem in his back pocket
Understands the similes and metaphors -
says 'baby, I got it'
And on Sundays we lay
while the city's melody plays
Are those fireworks I hear
or bombs coming down?
It doesn't matter
Its calm in here

for now.

Glossy

2009-09-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

For freedom, and for the glamorous life...

Glossy

Saturday nights spread thickly
like lip gloss
A sheer, pink shade that shimmers
beneath the lights
sending a violent heat wave
across the bar
when
trouble walked in with
boots
knee-high
and full lashes

all
eyes
on...

her.

She
made us stop
and take notice
She
made me wish...

wish my breast could know the sun
the same way this girl
knows danger -
the way she plays with fire
Igniting flames in the snugged parts of each man she passes
Inhaling the howls
and sipping on the heavy pants
sloppy
wet

glossy

I watch the
spectacle from afar
soaking in my own
mire of insecurities and
wondering

How much that kind of freedom would cost...

On any given rainy day,
how many pennies would I have to save
to buy that kind of power
with legs closed?

The Suffering

2009-09-08T20:31:00.000-07:00

This one started with a thought ('a woman swollen with love poems') and flourished from there...

The Suffering

The night is deep and wide -
An artery
Pulled and bleeding

Tonight is a dirty mirror
and he is a man
staring into the face of someone who
once loved a woman
swollen with love poems

She was a damsel - in wreck
And he wore armor for just one night

After the fire
He was no hero
Just dessert
Merely a line in one of her poems
blood on her teeth

He did not put up a fight
welcomed the suffering

At daybreak,
she grew wings
and left
But not empty-handed

She took a rib.

This Is Meant To Be Spoken

2009-08-30T17:04:00.000-07:00

I did a little late night experimenting with the prose poem...

This Is Meant To Be Spoken
A Prose Poem

And this is meant to be spoken.
I heard a song today that asked why love sometimes feels like a battlefield. A battered land of warriors, holding their lover's heart in their bare hands. Savages. But you - you are a poet. Whether you feel it or not, your heart shelters a beast - sleepy and collective now, but fierce and resilient when awaken. Like I always say: When in Love or in Lust, we are simply animals. Nearly civilized. The body always wants what it cannot hold. And I don't know if you understand what I'm saying. This is meant to be spoken. This is meant to meet you halfway. To hold you. Calm the belly of the beast and tell you that I'm still here. Living. Ready and scared, but eager. Not like a warrior. Like a poet. My offering is rich and only comes in one flavor. My breast and hips are ripe. Warm sweet milk for tiny mouths. But I am getting ahead of myself now. Do you understand? This is meant to be spoken. Yesterday, I confessed my secrets to an old man in a cardboard box as he chanted aloud "A CHANGE IS COMIN' ON....OH CHANGE, COME ON"! And you probably won't believe me when I say this, but I believe him. These leaves will rust come September. And though I like to think that it is deeper than autumn leaves, you've failed to paint me a different picture. I want to see you, one morning, as you embrace the new sky and expand the edges, spreading them wide and thin. And at that very moment I will pray that no one ever takes it away - your live and smiling spirit. Understand? I don't want to wake up early another morning and yearn the warm sighs of possibilities on my neck. I like to sit on the edge - simmering in the palm of Love waiting to be swallowed. I apologize if I lost you. I just want you to know that you don't have me fooled. Under your skin, tucked away is the truth. Rotting words that have lived for ages - passed down to you from generations before your time like an unwanted piece of furniture. A burden. And those words have learned to settle, comfortably, in the center of who you are - just waiting. Waiting for a lady, a poet like me, to come and stir them into a boiling soup. Sip slow, love. We are beautiful.
This is beautiful.

2009

Click here for more info on a prose poem!

Time is Dead (a shorty)

2009-07-20T02:01:00.000-07:00

Submitted this for Saturday Shorts over at the Flexwriter's Cafe. I was inspired by the photo below...

Time is Dead

Yesterday's prayers wither like the hours
The hands fading out the crescendo of hope -
a young girl playing dress up,
first day of school - seeds in soil
Today is new,
but it is stiff and numb

Caught in the grit of January
and sorely wanting April.

...to fill the spaces

2009-07-16T02:53:00.001-07:00

This is a true story...Hope my mom doesn't find this and reads it or I will have a lot of explaining to do...Lol!

The first time we kissed was on the 4th of July, summer of 2002. We were in my mother’s house after we spent the whole day under the sun on Philip Street. The day was done, but the heat lingered into the night.

We sat in the living room, and it was so hot our legs created little puddle on the plastic couch covering. We told each other jokes and listened to the radio – “Why Don’t We Fall In Love” by Amerie, “Dilemma” by Nelly and Kelly Rowland, and of course your favorite song at the time, “Nothin” by N.O.R.E.. These are the songs that are forever seared in my memory - the soundtrack to that summer night. We were surprisingly quiet; trying not to wake up my mother and step-father. Mom didn’t care that you were in the house as long as you left at a “reasonable time” and was conscious of the noise level. She always told me, “Vanessa, he is a nice boy, but he is just too loud!”

On the plastic couch, you pulled my face into the table lamp light and discovered two new freckles on my face – one below my left eye, and another on my nose. You named them Sookie and Moe. We raced each other’s tan lines. Your skin was warm and had turned a color that at the time reminded me of the shade of golden leaves that turned in the fall. During the hot months, I always miss the cold hold of the northside winds – I was always ready to bid summer goodbye, but not that night. That night I was grateful to the sun – thankful for the warmth.

It was almost midnight when you said you had to leave - you didn’t want to worry your grandma (you lived with her since you were a little boy and your parents were basically out of the picture). With each passing minute and attempts to cut the conversation, it was obvious neither of us wanted the night to end. It was as if we were waiting for something to ignite the perfect ending. We were waiting for something – a rush. And I felt it first. As you were rising from couch I could feel it boil in my head and then my arms. I let it build up until I finally pulled you down by the arm and kissed you (with tongue). I felt my lips tingle as every nerve in my body jolted. It didn’t feel real. Outside, people were lighting up the last of their fireworks and cherry bombs, but I didn’t hear a thing.

I laid in bed that night replaying the day in my head – getting wet in the fire hydrant, the sunburns, the kiss. I relived the entire day until I fell asleep.

Later that night I woke up to a noise against my window. I moved the fan and there you were in yesterday’s clothes, standing in the alley way. You were trying to tell me something but the neighbor’s dogs were barking so wildly that I could not hear. So I told you to meet me on my porch and I went down stairs. You told me your grandma locked the door and you didn’t have your keys with you. You said that you were walking around the neighborhood ever since you left my house. Without hesitating, I invited you to stay the night. We quietly walked upstairs to my bedroom. While passing my mother’s room I realized how much trouble I would be in by bringing a boy into my bedroom. Yes, I was 17 years old going on 18 in August, but I was also the only girl in the family - my mother and older brothers were strict and protective of me. I didn't let it worry me. We walked into my room and I locked the door so my mother couldn’t walk in before leaving to work in the morning. Before I even attempted to make a bed for you on the floor, you had already made yourself comfortable on my bed. You had the biggest smile on your face as you threw my stuffed pig, Diggie, into the air. You won it for me from the claw machine at the corner bodega a couple weeks ago. You laid back on my pillows and kicked your sneakers off at the edge of the bed. I sat next you. I didn’t think it was possible to feel so inhibited in my own room – you were the first boy to ever step foot in my space - my sanctuary. You looked at me with tired eyes. I laid next to you. You didn’t know, but every inch of my body wanted you that night. However, I was a virgin and you were a gentleman. As much as I wanted you to be the one to show me - to fill the spaces where no other has been, I knew it wasn’t the right time. We fell asleep soon after hitting the bed. You slept with one arm over me and your chest pressed against my back where I had sunburn. Still, it didn’t bother me. For some reason the pain felt good.

You left in the morning before anyone got up. We kissed for the second time and made plans to hang out later that day. I stood on the stoop as I watched you walk down the block.

You looked back at me with a smile, and turned the corner.