Faults

I don't make the healthiest choices all the time - mentally, emotionally, health-wise. Procrastination is my friend and I make many excuses for him, and for a lot of other things in my life. I'm at times lazy, doubtful. I question myself and my decisions more often than I should. I have a mental vault filled with all of the hurtful things people have ever said to me, and on a bad day, I convince myself to believe them. I'm impatient. I'm effortlessly, annoyingly dramatic sometimes. I'm anxious. I'm always late. I spend too much money. I give too many chances to the wrong people. I give too little chances to the right people. I hold annoyances and anger inside and then one day out of nowhere I explode, leaving some clueless and catching others off guard. I avoid confrontation and let people "win" just because I know it makes them feel good about themselves. I could be in love with you and you wouldn't even know. I allow my fears and my comfort zones to hold me back. I hold deep insecurities regarding my status in life. I worry that remaining "single and childless" makes me selfish. I compare my achievements to others. I worry how others view me. I beat myself up when I spend a whole day being unproductive, then go back to doing nothing the next day and feel worse. It's a vicious mental cycle. I have many faults. I understand we all do. But, with all my shit laid out on the table, and as much as I take ownership of every bit of this, still my faults aren't who I am. The "real me" is none of those things. And neither are you. I won't make an excuse for any of them. They are mine, I own all of them. Yet, every morning I awake and I choose to work on them, against them, through them, and despite them. Because I know what's behind all those thoughts and emotions is something I'm still trying to understand. 

Who am I if I'm not all the titles, the good and the bad? 

Who are you?

True #Goals

Peace of mind is true #Goals...

This is my personal wave lately. Your energy is fragile. Keep it. Secure it. Maintain it. Some will test it, or interrupt it. Don't let someone's bs seep through. And understand that what you have, your gifts, aren't for everyone. It's ok to be selective because you can't create peace for others if you haven't created peace for yourself first. And you can't be a vessel of light and guidance for someone who continuously chooses the dark. It's exhausting. Don't compete with that if it begins to affect your energy. Step back a little. Because your energy is priceless. You can buy anything in the world, but peace of mind has no value. It's all work and time and effort on your inner self, every....single....day.

Commit to it.

Update.

I'm so happy to finally post on here and announce that my third collection, Coming, is now available on Amazon!

For more information or to keep up to date with me follow me on Instagram (@northside_nilla), Facebook, Twitter, and www.NVTorres.com.

If you are still with me...

If you are still with me, I would like to say hello and I am sorry for being away for so long. I have been busy with school and working full-time as a preschool teacher. I have neglected this beautiful space, yet  I have missed it tremendously. Yes, life has kept me away. However, every now and then I do think about this blog and all my ramblings. Well, I think I may be back...

The truth is, up until recently, I have not written. Anything. And as a result, I have felt there was no purpose in blogging. I honestly tried, but everything I wrote seemed forced and disingenuous. I was uncomfortable with posting anything that did not feel real to me, as I take this space very seriously and I care greatly about the content I share on here. From my heart to this screen, my words are my weapon and my truest evidence of my mark in this word. So, what I write does matter.

As of late, however, I have been writing. In fact, I am currently working on a third collection of poetry. It is a small collection, but nonetheless, it is a collection and I am super excited about it! It has been over four years since I released my last collection, Northside Cries and Lullabies. And in those four years I have struggled creatively, going back and forth with my decisions to publish again or not. However, with a little encouragement from a friend, I decided it was time. This next collection, entitled Coming,  is way overdue!

Coming is a small, pocket poetry collection of short poems (or as I like to call them, "shorties".) The idea of writing a collection of short poems came from my love of short and simple poetry. I have always loved the idea of someone taking less than a minute out of their busy lives to appreciate a single piece of poetry. I do not believe poetry has to be long. So much can be said - so much can be felt in very few words. And to be frank, I have survived off of short poems in the duration of my four year hiatus. Writing short poems helped me stay creative without committing too much time. It was kinda like, you write a few lines, and then you carry on. 

And that is exactly what I have been doing - carrying on. And carrying all of my readers in my heart while I have been away. I do have lovely things planned for us in the next couple of months. 

Just wait on it, xoxo.

-nv

Questions.

My good friend Angel shared an inspiring article with me today. It talks about life and how we must find the value in our own lives and not the lives of others. The message is that every life on earth has a purpose, value, and a meaning. There is no general meaning to life because we are all very different. Our mission is to find the meaning of our own lives, and use it to move forward. It got me thinking a lot about the decisions we all make every day that bring us closer to the place we are suppose to be. Lately I've found myself questioning the moves I have made thus far in my twenty-something years of existence. I question almost every aspect of my life, especially career and love.

Why am I here? Where am I going next? Is there any fire left inside of me?

Whenever I ask myself these kinds of questions, immediately I hear my friend Jay's voice in my head reminding me how blessed I am. And I am blessed. I am also grateful. But who am I if I am not the poet who questions? Who am I if I can't look behind sometimes? After all, the past is the back bone of my work and the person who I am today.

I write this to let you know - yes, You, little eager soul whose hands are still too soft and clean to hold the meaning of your life - You have to create your own answer, purpose, and meaning. When we were given this life, our purpose was not written in the sky for all to see. We did not get a copy of God's individual plan for our lives. You have to find it in the words you use, and in the things you do.

Get out there....and search.

First Love.

My little sister and I were talking yesterday while we were visiting our dad on father's day. I always enjoy those moments where she and I can just talk about anything. Although she and I have completely different personalities (I am reserved and quiet; she is....not), she reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age. We had the same views and priorities (school, the future, friends, family). Well, one subject we touched base on was the subject of love. She is 15 years old and is currently in her first ever relationship. Somewhere in the conversation she confided in me that she was in love with this boy.

At first I thought, of course she would feel this way. He is, after all, her first real boyfriend. So I asked her..."How do you even know you're in love?". She told me there are many signs that tell her it is love. One is the feeling she gets in her stomach when she sees him or thinks about him. He is always on her mind. Another sign is the urge to go anywhere and do anything for him. She expressed to me that he will be joining the military after high school, and if they are still together, she will definitely follow him. And last, she said the sure sign that she is in love is in his kiss. She said that every kiss, even the short and sweet ones, are literally breathtaking.

As she told me this, my heart swelled with love for my little sister, her innocence, and this wonderful and exciting time of her young life. 

It reminded me so much of my first love. I was 11 years old. The boy I was in love with was a neighborhood kid who I went to school with. He was kind of a bad boy, but he was sweet, funny, and a talented singer. We were good friends and talked on the phone constantly. That was usually the times he serenaded me with a song. I will never forget the first song he ever sang to me (If I ever Fall in Love by Shai). The very first poems I wrote were about this boy, and at the time I felt my fire for him was very strong and intense. Which is why I related to my sister's situation so well. I suppose us Torres girls are more in tune with our inner feelings. When it's love, they tend to float quickly to the surface, and we just know.

Whatever it is my sister is feeling, I'm really happy that she is experiencing it. I asked her if she was afraid to fall out of love - afraid of the pain that would surely follow - and she said no. Her exact words as she shrugged her shoulders were, "YOLO."

Gotta lover her :)

How to Love.

God has given us many gifts. But the gift of loving, and receiving love is one of the greatest gifts of all. Everyone is born with a talent. Some of us are blessed with many. But the one thing God has blessed us all with is the ability to love. 

I am writing this in case someone out there has forgotten, I will remind you...

how to love...


1. Speak.
Speak kind, positive, and encouraging words. Words have the ability to heal, or cause sickness. They can inspire growth, or hesitation. Form your words carefully.

2. Touch.
Do not underestimate the power of a kiss or a hug. Love can be translated into many forms of physical gestures. When words fail, action saves the day...and a life.

3. Relate.
Show compassion and grace. Understand the long and hard journey of those before you. Everyone has a different story, but our paths are few and familiar.

4. Receive.
Open up and accept love when it is given. Love has the incredible ability to build you up and make you strong, even when you feel vulnerable and weak.

5. Forgive.
Let go of all debts and bitterness. Loving is choosing to accept an imperfect person in a world that strives for perfection. Love can not be without forgiveness. Seeds of resentment will stall love in turn stalling your peace of mind and heart.