If you are still with me...

If you are still with me, I would like to say hello and I am sorry for being away for so long. I have been busy with school and working full-time as a preschool teacher. I have neglected this beautiful space, yet  I have missed it tremendously. Yes, life has kept me away. However, every now and then I do think about this blog and all my ramblings. Well, I think I may be back...

The truth is, up until recently, I have not written. Anything. And as a result, I have felt there was no purpose in blogging. I honestly tried, but everything I wrote seemed forced and disingenuous. I was uncomfortable with posting anything that did not feel real to me, as I take this space very seriously and I care greatly about the content I share on here. From my heart to this screen, my words are my weapon and my truest evidence of my mark in this word. So, what I write does matter.

As of late, however, I have been writing. In fact, I am currently working on a third collection of poetry. It is a small collection, but nonetheless, it is a collection and I am super excited about it! It has been over four years since I released my last collection, Northside Cries and Lullabies. And in those four years I have struggled creatively, going back and forth with my decisions to publish again or not. However, with a little encouragement from a friend, I decided it was time. This next collection, entitled Coming,  is way overdue!

Coming is a small, pocket poetry collection of short poems (or as I like to call them, "shorties".) The idea of writing a collection of short poems came from my love of short and simple poetry. I have always loved the idea of someone taking less than a minute out of their busy lives to appreciate a single piece of poetry. I do not believe poetry has to be long. So much can be said - so much can be felt in very few words. And to be frank, I have survived off of short poems in the duration of my four year hiatus. Writing short poems helped me stay creative without committing too much time. It was kinda like, you write a few lines, and then you carry on. 

And that is exactly what I have been doing - carrying on. And carrying all of my readers in my heart while I have been away. I do have lovely things planned for us in the next couple of months. 

Just wait on it, xoxo.

-nv

Questions.

My good friend Angel shared an inspiring article with me today. It talks about life and how we must find the value in our own lives and not the lives of others. The message is that every life on earth has a purpose, value, and a meaning. There is no general meaning to life because we are all very different. Our mission is to find the meaning of our own lives, and use it to move forward. It got me thinking a lot about the decisions we all make every day that bring us closer to the place we are suppose to be. Lately I've found myself questioning the moves I have made thus far in my twenty-something years of existence. I question almost every aspect of my life, especially career and love.

Why am I here? Where am I going next? Is there any fire left inside of me?

Whenever I ask myself these kinds of questions, immediately I hear my friend Jay's voice in my head reminding me how blessed I am. And I am blessed. I am also grateful. But who am I if I am not the poet who questions? Who am I if I can't look behind sometimes? After all, the past is the back bone of my work and the person who I am today.

I write this to let you know - yes, You, little eager soul whose hands are still too soft and clean to hold the meaning of your life - You have to create your own answer, purpose, and meaning. When we were given this life, our purpose was not written in the sky for all to see. We did not get a copy of God's individual plan for our lives. You have to find it in the words you use, and in the things you do.

Get out there....and search.

First Love.

My little sister and I were talking yesterday while we were visiting our dad on father's day. I always enjoy those moments where she and I can just talk about anything. Although she and I have completely different personalities (I am reserved and quiet; she is....not), she reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age. We had the same views and priorities (school, the future, friends, family). Well, one subject we touched base on was the subject of love. She is 15 years old and is currently in her first ever relationship. Somewhere in the conversation she confided in me that she was in love with this boy.

At first I thought, of course she would feel this way. He is, after all, her first real boyfriend. So I asked her..."How do you even know you're in love?". She told me there are many signs that tell her it is love. One is the feeling she gets in her stomach when she sees him or thinks about him. He is always on her mind. Another sign is the urge to go anywhere and do anything for him. She expressed to me that he will be joining the military after high school, and if they are still together, she will definitely follow him. And last, she said the sure sign that she is in love is in his kiss. She said that every kiss, even the short and sweet ones, are literally breathtaking.

As she told me this, my heart swelled with love for my little sister, her innocence, and this wonderful and exciting time of her young life. 

It reminded me so much of my first love. I was 11 years old. The boy I was in love with was a neighborhood kid who I went to school with. He was kind of a bad boy, but he was sweet, funny, and a talented singer. We were good friends and talked on the phone constantly. That was usually the times he serenaded me with a song. I will never forget the first song he ever sang to me (If I ever Fall in Love by Shai). The very first poems I wrote were about this boy, and at the time I felt my fire for him was very strong and intense. Which is why I related to my sister's situation so well. I suppose us Torres girls are more in tune with our inner feelings. When it's love, they tend to float quickly to the surface, and we just know.

Whatever it is my sister is feeling, I'm really happy that she is experiencing it. I asked her if she was afraid to fall out of love - afraid of the pain that would surely follow - and she said no. Her exact words as she shrugged her shoulders were, "YOLO."

Gotta lover her :)

How to Love.

God has given us many gifts. But the gift of loving, and receiving love is one of the greatest gifts of all. Everyone is born with a talent. Some of us are blessed with many. But the one thing God has blessed us all with is the ability to love. 

I am writing this in case someone out there has forgotten, I will remind you...

how to love...


1. Speak.
Speak kind, positive, and encouraging words. Words have the ability to heal, or cause sickness. They can inspire growth, or hesitation. Form your words carefully.

2. Touch.
Do not underestimate the power of a kiss or a hug. Love can be translated into many forms of physical gestures. When words fail, action saves the day...and a life.

3. Relate.
Show compassion and grace. Understand the long and hard journey of those before you. Everyone has a different story, but our paths are few and familiar.

4. Receive.
Open up and accept love when it is given. Love has the incredible ability to build you up and make you strong, even when you feel vulnerable and weak.

5. Forgive.
Let go of all debts and bitterness. Loving is choosing to accept an imperfect person in a world that strives for perfection. Love can not be without forgiveness. Seeds of resentment will stall love in turn stalling your peace of mind and heart.

In my words: One year later... Teaching.

Today marks the one year anniversary of my teaching career.

Yes, I survived my first year. Do I have any more years left in me? Definitely.

It is common knowledge that teaching is one of the most demanding jobs around. On a daily basis, I find myself wearing not only a teacher hat, but also a mother, nurse, social worker, janitor, and referee hat. Although, carrying all of these titles daily seem a bit overwhelming, I find myself enjoying the hustle and bustle of teaching pre-k at a non-profit agency that has served families for many years. Even when I'm overwhelmed, at the end of the day, I really do feel a sense of fulfillment. I would describe the feeling as running a marathon for eight hours straight. Once you hit that finish line, you're exhausted, probably a little cranky, but you're also overcome by this feeling of accomplishment. However, there are those days where you don't feel so great and accomplished. Somedays it truly feels like I ran an eight hour long marathon. I feel rundown, unappreciated, overworked, and just plain ol' tired.

Just recently, I've been having a hard time finding that enjoyment I once had in teaching. Some transitions were made that shook up my world, and to be honest, I am having a hard time coping. These circumstances are making it difficult for me to teach and manage my classroom in a way that allows me to actually enjoy my job as a teacher. However, I know this is something that I have to get through. I have to man up, accept these changes and keep telling myself, "This too shall pass." Like everything else in life, teaching has it's pros, cons, ups, and downs.

One thing is certain... I know this is the field of work I belong in. Putting my current feelings aside, I feel a great sense of duty and pride in teaching children, opening up the world to them, and teaching them the foundations that will help them become descent, educated, independent, conscious members of their communities. I am hopeful because of them. Always.

My favorite things about summer...

1. 

Block parties.

2. 

Poolside view while the sun browns my skin.
Which means, hello freckles...goodbye pale legs.

3. 

Outdoor movie screening at Penn's Landing (Definitely doing it this year!)

4.  

Rain after many days of scorching heat.

5. 

Sporadic BBQs = A great excuse to eat, drink, and play
dominos/board games/bingo with family and friends.

6. 

Two words - Jersey Shore (and no, not the show).

7. 

Cherry water ice and the red stain it leaves on my lips and tongue.

8. 

My birthday (August 12th).

9. 

Easy, casual summer dresses.

10. 

Melting ice cubes against my skin for relief on really hot days.

These are a few of my favorite summer things. 

What are yours?

Letter to an ex...

If things between you and I worked out, you wouldn't be marrying the girl of your dreams right now. You would probably still be with.....me. God is funny. I'm happy for you.

Blessings,
The One That Got Away

The grip of Love...

I came across this picture the other day on Tumblr. It is from the movie Love & Basketball. The way he is embracing her, the placement of his hands, and the expression on his face is everything. It's almost as if he is holding her up. The gentle way his fingers are spread says that he wants her to feel the wholeness of his embrace, and at the same time he is trying not to let an inch of her being slip through his fingers. To me, this photo represents not only love, but the genuine need and want of another individual. I hope everyone is embraced this way at least once in their lifetime.

Are you there Blog? It's me, NV...

I have been a very, very bad blogger. I know.

Nonetheless, it is about 2:30 am here in the heart of Northside and once again I am up, surfing the web when I realized that this thing is way overdue for a post and update, sooo..an update -->

I recently finished up my third semester of school, started a new job, and now I am entering my fourth (and final) semester at my college and I cannot wait! Also, I am in the very early stages of writing my third collection of poetry. And like before, I have no real deadline for publication. You know how I roll ;) Other than that, la vida es grand!

I can honestly say that at this moment in my life I am receiving an almost overwhelming abundance of blessings.

Strangers, freckles, and a window seat...

I had a really nice conversation with a man the other day on my way to school.

I was on the bus, and it was crowded and hot. I was already in a bad mood because I was stressed over school work... and the bus was late, so when it pulled up and I saw there were no seats available for me to set my heavy school bag, I was quickly annoyed. So there I am, forcing my way through the front crowd. Apparently, there is a bus monster of some sort that will eat your toes if you step to the back of the bus so everyone crowds the front (did I mention I hate public transportation and people). Anyway, I finally make it to back and a man offers me the window seat next to him. I guess he could see the annoyed expression on my face. Now, usually I would opt to stand the whole ride (I wasn't going that far), but for some reason I took the seat. I was in a bad mood, my bag was really heavy, so what the hell. Now the guy starts talking to me. Great.

To receive everything...

“To receive everything, one must open one’s hands and give.” – Taisen Deshimaru 

They say hands are tools we use to give, to lend, to make love, and to make hate. Some time ago, I dated a guy who loved holding my hand. He once proclaimed that he could hold my hand all day if possible. And he did. All through the city, he led me. Our hands tightly clamped to each other and our arms just swinging into the wind. For a while, I thought he had a hand fetish (which I probably would have been okay with - to each it's own, right?). Well, it turned out he just really liked holding hands. However, for some reason his constant desire to hold my hand made me uncomfortable. While I appreciated the gesture, the combination of our sweat accumulating into a warm puddle in the middle of our palms made me cringe. It sounds gross, but that was the way it played out in my mind. I knew I was wrong and I felt awful for feeling this way.

I'm on some Marvin Gaye sh-t, a bunch of distant lovers...

When it comes to love and dating, the things is...

I am in a place in my life where I am willing to accept and forgive. I've always been a very forgiving person. Cautious, but forgiving. And I'm trying to figure out if it is better to love with or without caution. The lover in me wants to get free, love, go crazy, take risk and all that good stuff because "it is better to have loved than to not love at all". While the "hurt one" in me - the one who stands guarded with her AK-47 hanging from her heart wants to feel complete with the love she already has for her family, friends, and work because it is safe and anything that requires more investment of her emotions is too risky, too raw, and requires too much energy anyway. I wish I could say I love freely, but the truth I do love freely...but from a distance. And the ones who I allowed to get close did so for reasons I am just starting to truly understand now, but I will leave it for another night.

It takes a whole lot of faith to be able to love. You have to have faith in your mate that they will always do right by you, and you have to have faith in your relationship that together all things are possible no matter how difficult things seem to be. Then, if things go wrong and you go separate ways, you have to have faith in your ability to bounce back and have faith that you will find a better love. They say you should never give up. Never give up on love because you just never know. I'm not faithless. And I have not given up because I know that the little bits of love that I have experienced is nothing compared to love that awaits. But it ain't easy. So instead, I keep my distance and ignore the small fire inside my heart that wants to burn freely. I want it. I am more than capable of it. I just don't want to make another lame excuse about how love doesn't want me to hide the fact that I am simply afraid to love because of the pain it can potentially cause.

I am able to forgive. I can forgive someone for ALL of their imperfections and shortcomings. Forgiving is love. I forgive myself. The problem is that I can't forget, and that is the part that hurts the most. It's hard - being able to forget the old pain, and being able to forget that by loving you without a safety, I am at the same time allowing you the opportunity to hurt me at anytime. And I have to forget! I have to be free if I want to love freely. I can't love the right way if I am chained down by the deeds of past loves. I can't embrace and open my arms to love if I have a riffle in my hand - ready to shoot anyone who makes a move. Personally, I'm in between. My riffle is grounded....but so is my heart. Unfortunately.

 

("For The Yearning" by Ginger Tyson)

The Love Situation

It was mine
A constellation-love hoped for
And sapphire skies set on fire
Flickered flame
burning beds
Love-stained and sin soaked
Love stains, but I still hope
for this,
I for…
you.

In a New York minute
this love situation has gathered
and departed now as we speak
The leaves have settled onto the pavement

You were all
And still, you are nothing at all

I saw the sea inside you...

I found the following poem last night. I couldn't sleep. Too much on my mind lately and I feel the things and people in my life are shifting and transitioning in their positions in my heart.

You see, I once loved with my whole heart. And it stemmed from the purest place in my heart. When I loved, I couldn't explain what was happening to me. I couldn't write, or even verbalize the definition of this love and its effect on me. I was so high, blind, but it was a beautiful feeling. I felt safe, secure, appreciated, and understood. I continued on, day to day riding this wave, while secretly inside I awaited the drop of a bomb. And then it dropped (oh, did it drop!) and a great feeling was gone. Reflecting back, I realize I gave my heart away too quickly. It was so eager to belong to something greater than myself that it folded. However, I learned and I collected my heart. To be honest, I'm still collecting it.

This poem by Pura López-Colomé reminded me of that period in my life. I cried when I read it because it stirs my emotions and verbalizes that now bittersweet feeling I couldn't explain before. It truly was an enlightening moment. I was an aimless explorer, and then I saw the sea inside him.


Fons
by Pura López-Colomé
translated by Forrest Gander

Reanimated, spirit restored,
reincorporated, body restored,
I contemplate between dreams
the scene I've stolen
like the one who took fire,
like the one who opened the devil box
out of curiosity,
like the one who saw her equal
and her life's love
were the same and so effortlessly
brought them together.
I took exactly
what was not mine,
with my eyes.
I saw the sea inside you:
on your surface, mud.
I kissed you like a shipwreck,
like one who insufflates the word.
With my lips I traveled
that entire continent,
Adam, from dirt, Nothing.
I knew myself in your substance,
grounded there,
emitting aromatic fumes,
an amatory banquet of ashes.

Needing.

There are times when we are faced with guilt. I've been feeling guilty lately. I feel guilty for the things I need. I feel guilty for the things I want. Even if what I want is something I need, the way a flower needs water and love to bloom and prosper. Why do I feel guilty for this? This is a necessity. Although, I feel more guilt for needing than I do for wanting. Want is something that can change. I could want you today, and have no desire for you tomorrow. Need is different. Need is something that sticks to our bones. Need is getting physically weak when you do not get what you need. Need is waking up in the middle of the night because the poem in my belly wants to play.

"Only unfulfilled love can be romantic..." - A Ramble

"Only unfulfilled love can be romantic..."

I came across this quote today from a movie entitled Vicky Cristina Barcelona. The film is about best friends who go to Barcelona for vacation, and while there, one of the women (who is engaged) falls in love with another man.

When I first read this quote, I was confused. What exactly is "unfulfilled love"? And why isn't fulfilled love capable of being romantic. After reading up on other's interpretation of what it all means, a light bulb went on, and I figured it all out.

"Unfulfilled love" is the stage of falling in love. For most of us, the components that accompany this stage of a relationship are romantic dates, sweet notes or text messages, and maybe the occasional "just because" flowers. The love expressed during this time is considered "unfulfilled" because it's still new and growing. During this stage, we are working and wooing our beloved by saying all the right things, showing affection, and really putting our best selves forward to send a message to them on why we would be an ideal companion. We would do anything to make them smile, especially if there is competition for their love. But once the message is received and both parties agree to move forward with the relationship, then that is when love is fulfilled and they both live happily ever after, right? Well, according to the quote above, once love is fulfilled, the romance is no more, and I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like a very happy ending. I find this extremely disheartening.

At first glance, I didn't believe the quote to be true. Married couples and people who have been in love for years still do romantic things for each other, don't they? And isn't romance at least part of the reason why people stay in love? Then again, what is considered romantic? The hopeless romantic in me wanted to believe that romance does not end when it comes to love - fulfilled or not.

However, after thinking about it, I have to admit that it does make sense. Many relationships lose the romance after years, or even months of being in love. I've seen it. Was it real love? I don't know - it's not for me to judge. But what I do know is that a love without romance sounds dry and boring to me. Is that why we are so drawn to "unfulfilled love" - the excitement, the chase, the romantic gestures and the drama? Is that why so many of us love the feeling of falling in love, but are afraid to commit and stick around in the long run?

You ever notice how the best part of any movie or book is the part where we watch two people struggle with their "unfulfilled love"? We are entertained by the drama in a situation where two people who belong together are confronted with obstacles that keep them from falling in love. Are they going to get together? Grow apart? Is she going to choose the poor guy, or the rich one? Oh, the drama! We love the unknown. But then, eventually, they start to discover each other and then they fall in love. What happens next to the couple? Well, we don't know. Why? Because usually the book ends or the credits roll after the love is fulfilled, so we never get to see their happily ever after, do we? Why do you think that is? Is it because happy endings are boring and uninteresting? Maybe it's because after the unknown is known - after all the romance, excitement, drama is over all that is left is two simple people filled with love. We all know what to expect afterwards. They usually get married, buy a big house, and have a few kids. Simple, drama-free living. And we never really get a chance to see if their fulfilled love is full of romance.

Must love really be "unfulfilled" in order for us to bask in it's romantic nature? I hope not. Though my loving is soo far from being fulfilled, I look forward to the romance that follows. But I also want the romance to stick around once my love is fulfilled! If it isn't, then whats the point? What is love without romance? Or maybe love isn't all about romance, and that's the real test of your love for each other. Perhaps love is mostly a complicated mix of every day life and old emotions that put you there in the first place. Perhaps romance is at it's peak when love is unfulfilled, but does it really have to end there? I just refuse to believe that there is nothing romantic about fulfilled love.

I guess my question for all of you is, do you agree with this quote? And, what exactly does love look like WITHOUT romance?

Sorry this was so long...

Run down 'til the sun goes down.

The sun is coming up.
I'm already up...for no reason.
Mom will call me to run errands with her in a few hours.
Scratch itchy leg. Damn. Another mosquito bite. I must have sweet blood.
Get a second call from Mom asking if I am ready. Almost.
Run errands.
Come home and gather clothes to wash.
Engage in a staring contest with a strange man at the laundromat.
Wish we could get a washer/dryer installed so I wouldn't have to deal with this.
The Northside will be beautiful, and I will try my hardest to bask in her glory.
Update my Facebook status.
Check my phone and email every hour just in case I get called for a job.
Good friends will remind me of our plans for Saturday night.
At some point remind myself that there are only two weeks left before the semester starts.
God will be on my mind.
Everything else under God will be on my mind.
Write a letter.
Watch a movie that is going to put me into an even darker mood.
Heat up the grill.
Stay home for the rest of the night with a bottle wishing that it was him instead.
Or meet up with my cousin at the club, dance with a random guy and wish that it was him instead.
Come home feeling "gooood".
Call him.

He will ask why I couldn't sleep even though he already knows the answer.

Talk until we doze off.

Wake up just in time to see the sun come up again.

Scratch my itchy arm. Another bite.

Remind myself it won't always be this way.

Dreams, Dreams

I was just thinking this morning while getting ready that dreams are truly real, and really, if we believe in ourselves enough, we can do anything . I know, nothing new, you've heard it before. I guess I've always known this, but I don't think I've ever taken it as serious as I did when I woke up this morning. I don't know why it came to me, but I am taking it as a sign.

There's no reason why I can not have the things that I want in life as far as career, goals, and family goes. I think for the first time in a long time I am finally seeing that my dreams are possible. And yes, I should believe in myself a little more. It also helps that I have a great team of people behind me. Plus, history shows us that there are plenty of people back then and today who have done great things.

I'm just feeling inspired today. I have to keep my positive attitude up. It's a beautiful day in Northside. I was blessed to see another one. This day will not go to waste. It's time to go out and bring those dreams a little more closer to home.

All it took was a photo...

All it took was a photo to make me realize that after all these years my bitterness has failed to settle inside of my heart. I must have pretended all of these years. All of these years....I resented you for this feeling of abandonment. I resented you for not feeling loved enough. Feelings are powerful and in full force when they are able to make me avoid any opportunity of ever seeing you again. I guess in my mind, you were already gone. But when I saw that photo, my heart knew better.

I always knew that eventually I would have to forgive. Its apart of a process. Its apart of the bigger picture that is my life. I allowed myself to be angry and hurt the years in between. I gave myself the right to be. But looking at that recent photo made me realize one thing. Time has passed so swiftly and there is so much that we both don't know. The new wrinkles on your face tell me that time has pasted...and it will never stop passing.

I thought about you on Sunday. I was wondering if you were thinking about us. I was wondering if you were thinking about the one who made that day special for you. Your first baby. We both wouldn't be what we are today if we didn't have each other. I made you a man, and you gave me my names....Vanessa...poet. And I realize I could quite possibly be the only thing you have ever done right in your life. For years I wanted you to know that. But I realize you already do.

All it took was a photo for me to know....we all have those things that make their way to haunt us every night. If you are like me (if I am like you), then you too are familiar with the feeling of dark walls closing in and being locked up with nothing to inhale but the stiff thoughts of regret that always lingers. I know you have regrets. If you are like me (if I am like you), you do. But from here on out, make it better and I promise to do the same. Because judging by the photo of you, time has passed swiftly since we have been apart. I feel that it is about that time that we enjoy it together. But you have to make that happen papa. Because I am like my mother. I won't make the first move. I'm leaving it up to you. My heart isn't bitter for you anymore. It never really was. So whenever you realize that time does not belong to us, that she is not here to stay, I will be here in the same place where you left me. Ready to love.

Sometimes you have to take a step back and remember who you are. Lately, I find myself questioning if some of the decisions I'm making are true to who I am. Am I sacrificing? It feels good, yet wrong. I can't pretend that the little things don't matter to me anymore. Each day that passes they matter more and more, and my eyes can no longer hide the truth.

I think thats what I'm looking for. Truth. The question is, when will I be ready to go out and search for what is good and truthful? And should I continue to sacrifice in the meantime?