Questions.

My good friend Angel shared an inspiring article with me today. It talks about life and how we must find the value in our own lives and not the lives of others. The message is that every life on earth has a purpose, value, and a meaning. There is no general meaning to life because we are all very different. Our mission is to find the meaning of our own lives, and use it to move forward. It got me thinking a lot about the decisions we all make every day that bring us closer to the place we are suppose to be. Lately I've found myself questioning the moves I have made thus far in my twenty-something years of existence. I question almost every aspect of my life, especially career and love.

Why am I here? Where am I going next? Is there any fire left inside of me?

Whenever I ask myself these kinds of questions, immediately I hear my friend Jay's voice in my head reminding me how blessed I am. And I am blessed. I am also grateful. But who am I if I am not the poet who questions? Who am I if I can't look behind sometimes? After all, the past is the back bone of my work and the person who I am today.

I write this to let you know - yes, You, little eager soul whose hands are still too soft and clean to hold the meaning of your life - You have to create your own answer, purpose, and meaning. When we were given this life, our purpose was not written in the sky for all to see. We did not get a copy of God's individual plan for our lives. You have to find it in the words you use, and in the things you do.

Get out there....and search.

First Love.

My little sister and I were talking yesterday while we were visiting our dad on father's day. I always enjoy those moments where she and I can just talk about anything. Although she and I have completely different personalities (I am reserved and quiet; she is....not), she reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age. We had the same views and priorities (school, the future, friends, family). Well, one subject we touched base on was the subject of love. She is 15 years old and is currently in her first ever relationship. Somewhere in the conversation she confided in me that she was in love with this boy.

At first I thought, of course she would feel this way. He is, after all, her first real boyfriend. So I asked her..."How do you even know you're in love?". She told me there are many signs that tell her it is love. One is the feeling she gets in her stomach when she sees him or thinks about him. He is always on her mind. Another sign is the urge to go anywhere and do anything for him. She expressed to me that he will be joining the military after high school, and if they are still together, she will definitely follow him. And last, she said the sure sign that she is in love is in his kiss. She said that every kiss, even the short and sweet ones, are literally breathtaking.

As she told me this, my heart swelled with love for my little sister, her innocence, and this wonderful and exciting time of her young life. 

It reminded me so much of my first love. I was 11 years old. The boy I was in love with was a neighborhood kid who I went to school with. He was kind of a bad boy, but he was sweet, funny, and a talented singer. We were good friends and talked on the phone constantly. That was usually the times he serenaded me with a song. I will never forget the first song he ever sang to me (If I ever Fall in Love by Shai). The very first poems I wrote were about this boy, and at the time I felt my fire for him was very strong and intense. Which is why I related to my sister's situation so well. I suppose us Torres girls are more in tune with our inner feelings. When it's love, they tend to float quickly to the surface, and we just know.

Whatever it is my sister is feeling, I'm really happy that she is experiencing it. I asked her if she was afraid to fall out of love - afraid of the pain that would surely follow - and she said no. Her exact words as she shrugged her shoulders were, "YOLO."

Gotta lover her :)

How to Love.

God has given us many gifts. But the gift of loving, and receiving love is one of the greatest gifts of all. Everyone is born with a talent. Some of us are blessed with many. But the one thing God has blessed us all with is the ability to love. 

I am writing this in case someone out there has forgotten, I will remind you...

how to love...


1. Speak.
Speak kind, positive, and encouraging words. Words have the ability to heal, or cause sickness. They can inspire growth, or hesitation. Form your words carefully.

2. Touch.
Do not underestimate the power of a kiss or a hug. Love can be translated into many forms of physical gestures. When words fail, action saves the day...and a life.

3. Relate.
Show compassion and grace. Understand the long and hard journey of those before you. Everyone has a different story, but our paths are few and familiar.

4. Receive.
Open up and accept love when it is given. Love has the incredible ability to build you up and make you strong, even when you feel vulnerable and weak.

5. Forgive.
Let go of all debts and bitterness. Loving is choosing to accept an imperfect person in a world that strives for perfection. Love can not be without forgiveness. Seeds of resentment will stall love in turn stalling your peace of mind and heart.

In my words: One year later... Teaching.

Today marks the one year anniversary of my teaching career.

Yes, I survived my first year. Do I have any more years left in me? Definitely.

It is common knowledge that teaching is one of the most demanding jobs around. On a daily basis, I find myself wearing not only a teacher hat, but also a mother, nurse, social worker, janitor, and referee hat. Although, carrying all of these titles daily seem a bit overwhelming, I find myself enjoying the hustle and bustle of teaching pre-k at a non-profit agency that has served families for many years. Even when I'm overwhelmed, at the end of the day, I really do feel a sense of fulfillment. I would describe the feeling as running a marathon for eight hours straight. Once you hit that finish line, you're exhausted, probably a little cranky, but you're also overcome by this feeling of accomplishment. However, there are those days where you don't feel so great and accomplished. Somedays it truly feels like I ran an eight hour long marathon. I feel rundown, unappreciated, overworked, and just plain ol' tired.

Just recently, I've been having a hard time finding that enjoyment I once had in teaching. Some transitions were made that shook up my world, and to be honest, I am having a hard time coping. These circumstances are making it difficult for me to teach and manage my classroom in a way that allows me to actually enjoy my job as a teacher. However, I know this is something that I have to get through. I have to man up, accept these changes and keep telling myself, "This too shall pass." Like everything else in life, teaching has it's pros, cons, ups, and downs.

One thing is certain... I know this is the field of work I belong in. Putting my current feelings aside, I feel a great sense of duty and pride in teaching children, opening up the world to them, and teaching them the foundations that will help them become descent, educated, independent, conscious members of their communities. I am hopeful because of them. Always.

My favorite things about summer...

1. 

Block parties.

2. 

Poolside view while the sun browns my skin.
Which means, hello freckles...goodbye pale legs.

3. 

Outdoor movie screening at Penn's Landing (Definitely doing it this year!)

4.  

Rain after many days of scorching heat.

5. 

Sporadic BBQs = A great excuse to eat, drink, and play
dominos/board games/bingo with family and friends.

6. 

Two words - Jersey Shore (and no, not the show).

7. 

Cherry water ice and the red stain it leaves on my lips and tongue.

8. 

My birthday (August 12th).

9. 

Easy, casual summer dresses.

10. 

Melting ice cubes against my skin for relief on really hot days.

These are a few of my favorite summer things. 

What are yours?

Set my night on fire...

Words can't explain how relevant this song is to my life right now. I discovered this gem months ago and I haven't stopped listening since. His voice, the words - everything is just...

Are you there Blog? It's me, NV...

I have been a very, very bad blogger. I know.

Nonetheless, it is about 2:30 am here in the heart of Northside and once again I am up, surfing the web when I realized that this thing is way overdue for a post and update, sooo..an update -->

I recently finished up my third semester of school, started a new job, and now I am entering my fourth (and final) semester at my college and I cannot wait! Also, I am in the very early stages of writing my third collection of poetry. And like before, I have no real deadline for publication. You know how I roll ;) Other than that, la vida es grand!

I can honestly say that at this moment in my life I am receiving an almost overwhelming abundance of blessings.

I saw the sea inside you...

I found the following poem last night. I couldn't sleep. Too much on my mind lately and I feel the things and people in my life are shifting and transitioning in their positions in my heart.

You see, I once loved with my whole heart. And it stemmed from the purest place in my heart. When I loved, I couldn't explain what was happening to me. I couldn't write, or even verbalize the definition of this love and its effect on me. I was so high, blind, but it was a beautiful feeling. I felt safe, secure, appreciated, and understood. I continued on, day to day riding this wave, while secretly inside I awaited the drop of a bomb. And then it dropped (oh, did it drop!) and a great feeling was gone. Reflecting back, I realize I gave my heart away too quickly. It was so eager to belong to something greater than myself that it folded. However, I learned and I collected my heart. To be honest, I'm still collecting it.

This poem by Pura López-Colomé reminded me of that period in my life. I cried when I read it because it stirs my emotions and verbalizes that now bittersweet feeling I couldn't explain before. It truly was an enlightening moment. I was an aimless explorer, and then I saw the sea inside him.


Fons
by Pura López-Colomé
translated by Forrest Gander

Reanimated, spirit restored,
reincorporated, body restored,
I contemplate between dreams
the scene I've stolen
like the one who took fire,
like the one who opened the devil box
out of curiosity,
like the one who saw her equal
and her life's love
were the same and so effortlessly
brought them together.
I took exactly
what was not mine,
with my eyes.
I saw the sea inside you:
on your surface, mud.
I kissed you like a shipwreck,
like one who insufflates the word.
With my lips I traveled
that entire continent,
Adam, from dirt, Nothing.
I knew myself in your substance,
grounded there,
emitting aromatic fumes,
an amatory banquet of ashes.

Needing.

There are times when we are faced with guilt. I've been feeling guilty lately. I feel guilty for the things I need. I feel guilty for the things I want. Even if what I want is something I need, the way a flower needs water and love to bloom and prosper. Why do I feel guilty for this? This is a necessity. Although, I feel more guilt for needing than I do for wanting. Want is something that can change. I could want you today, and have no desire for you tomorrow. Need is different. Need is something that sticks to our bones. Need is getting physically weak when you do not get what you need. Need is waking up in the middle of the night because the poem in my belly wants to play.

Where Were You?

I was a senior in high school on Tuesday September 11, 2001...

I had just left my second period class, and making my way over to my locker so I could switch books for my next class when I overheard some kid in the hallway talking to another student about a plane that hit one of those tall buildings in New York City. I just kept it moving, and walked into my Trigonometry class.

The teacher started the lesson. It was a regular day.

About a half hour into class time, the principal's voice comes on the loud speaker. He instructs all of the teachers to stop what they are doing, and turn on the TVs in their classrooms. One of my classmates got up and walked over to the TV, stood on a chair, turned it on and a clip of the second plane hitting the south tower was being played. As we were watching the plane hit and the footage of the two smoking towers, the principal said something that I just knew at that moment I would never forget for the rest of my life. He said: Ladies and Gentlemen, you are watching history in the making right now - this is your generation's Pearl Harbor. He said this is a tragic, and unfortunate moment in time that our country will remember for many years. We all just watched in disbelief as reports of the Pentagon came in, and images of the planes hitting the first tower played over and over again. It was like a movie. Unreal. Not too long after that, the first tower collaspsed, and that's when I could feel the reality of it all finally hitting us. As the gray clouds of debris billowed in the sky, I remembered a recent class trip to New York back in May of that year. I remembered passing by the two towers in our tour bus and one of my classmates saying, "Look! The Twin Towers!" I remember looking over at the buildings and feeling unimpressed by them. If only I had known then what I know now.

We were let out early from school that day. Teachers kept telling us to go home and be with our families. I went to a large high school - about 2,000 students. We were all let out at the same time, and they told us to walk home in groups - don't walk alone. The walk home was chaotic! There was so much traffic and so many people out in the streets trying to pick up their kids from school, and rushing to get home. Philly is between NYC and Washington D.C., so paranoia and fear was really high that crazy morning.

When I got home, I turned on the TV in the living room and watched all of the news reports. The second tower had already fallen. I learned about the terrorist, the hijacked planes. I watched footage of people jumping/falling from the towers, the giant crater in Shanksville, PA where Flight 93 went down, the recordings of 9-1-1 calls, and testimonies of the rescue workers and those who were there when the planes hit in NYC and D.C.. I cried when I saw all the people who were desperately looking for lost family members and friends. I was glued to the news and forming questions in my head. How could this happen? Why did it happen? I kept replaying my principals words over and over again in my head....history in the making.

I will never forget the way that entire day unfolded for me. It was a tragic day and today, on the 9th anniversary of the attacks, I pray that we all find the peace and healing we search for everyday since that morning in September. Never forget.

Where were you on the morning of September 11, 2001?

All is full of Love...

Love is natural. If you open your eyes, you can find it in everything and in every corner of the world...

Life is the flower for which love is the honey.

-- Victor Hugo

Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.

 -- Marianne Williamson

Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination.

-- Voltaire

Another year...

Hello World!

I'm trying to enjoy the rest of my summer and do the whole school thing, all while trying to blog and write more. Forgive me. And, in case you were wondering, I did not post all of my letters from last month's 30 Day Letter Challenge because it was getting too personal. Sorry!

Anyway, I celebrated another year of life last week :) It was truly one of the best weekends ever! I had a great time with family and friends. Check the flicks...

I'd like to make a very special SHOUT OUT out to all the new subscribers to my blog, as well as the new followers on Twitter! Much love and sunshine to you all!!!!

I hope you are all taking the time to enjoy this crazy summer :) Be safe and good!

xox

Dreams, Dreams

I was just thinking this morning while getting ready that dreams are truly real, and really, if we believe in ourselves enough, we can do anything . I know, nothing new, you've heard it before. I guess I've always known this, but I don't think I've ever taken it as serious as I did when I woke up this morning. I don't know why it came to me, but I am taking it as a sign.

There's no reason why I can not have the things that I want in life as far as career, goals, and family goes. I think for the first time in a long time I am finally seeing that my dreams are possible. And yes, I should believe in myself a little more. It also helps that I have a great team of people behind me. Plus, history shows us that there are plenty of people back then and today who have done great things.

I'm just feeling inspired today. I have to keep my positive attitude up. It's a beautiful day in Northside. I was blessed to see another one. This day will not go to waste. It's time to go out and bring those dreams a little more closer to home.

happy happy...

Sometimes you have to take a step back and remember who you are. Lately, I find myself questioning if some of the decisions I'm making are true to who I am. Am I sacrificing? It feels good, yet wrong. I can't pretend that the little things don't matter to me anymore. Each day that passes they matter more and more, and my eyes can no longer hide the truth.

I think thats what I'm looking for. Truth. The question is, when will I be ready to go out and search for what is good and truthful? And should I continue to sacrifice in the meantime?

The Divine Principles of the Goddess...Me

Ma'at was the goddess of Truth, Balance and Order. The Egyptians believed that Ma'at balanced everything. They lived their lives following her 42 principles with the hopes of dying with a weighless heart - free of worry and sin. The Egyptians also believed that without the following laws, the universe would become chaotic...

The 42 Divine Principles of the Goddess Ma'at

1. I have not committed sin.
2. I have not committed robbery with violence.
3. I have not stolen.
4. I have not slain men or women
5. I have not stolen food.
6. I have not swindled offerings.
7. I have not stolen from God/Goddess.
8. I have not told lies.
9. I have not carried away food.
10. I have not cursed.
11. I have not closed my ears to truth
12. I have not committed adultery.
13. I have not made anyone cry.
14. I have not felt sorrow without reason
15. I have not assaulted anyone
16. I am not deceitful.
17. I have not stolen anyone’s land
18. I have not been an eavesdropper
19. I have not falsely accused anyone.
20. I have not been angry without reason.
21. I have not seduced anyone’s wife.
22. I have not polluted myself.
23. I have not terrorized anyone.
24. I have not disobeyed the Law.
25. I have not been exclusively angry.
26. I have not cursed God/Goddess.
27. I have not behaved with violence.
28. I have not caused disruption of peace.
29. I have not acted hastily or without thought.
30. I have not overstepped my boundaries of concern
31. I have not exaggerated my words when speaking.
32. I have not worked evil.
33. I have not used evil thoughts, words or deeds
34. I have not polluted the water
35. I have not spoken angrily or arrogantly.
36. I have not cursed anyone in thought, word or deeds.
37. I have not placed myself on a Pedestal.
38. I have not stolen what belongs to God/Goddess.
39. I have not stolen from or disrespected the deceased.
40. I have not taken food from a child.
41. I have not acted with insolence.
42. I have not destroyed property belonging to God/Goddess.

I have to say, one of the reasons why I am so intrigued by these 42 principles is because I am the type of person that finds comfort and security in structure. I like rules (as along as they are my own rules) which is why while reading the 42 divine principles of the Goddess Ma'at, I felt inspired to write my own principles of living because after all I am a goddess.....at least of my own universe ;)

So here they are: my very own divine principles of living and of keeping my own little universe in order. It's a work in progress, but I plan on adding more principles as I move along in life learning, experiencing and growing...

The Divine Principles of the Goddess V

1. I will create art and beauty from nothing.
2. I will share with the world, and become an open vessel so the world can share with me.
3. I will be the best at everything I do, no matter how small or big the task.
4. I will love God first and always.
5. I will love my Goddess I will myself.
6. I will love my family, friends, and lovers unconditionally.
7. I will love my colleagues and acquaintances.
8. I will love my enemies with one eye open.
9. I will be brave.
10. I will be genuine - I will always be me.
11. I will be proud but never too proud to pray.
12. I will be humble and connected to the Earth.
13. I will be loyal and mindful of my roots no matter where the wind takes me.
14. I will question everything.
15. I will never settle for a stone if I desire a diamond.
16. I will be a follower of my own standards so long as my feet touch the Earth.

Ok. I may not have 42 but 16 is a good start, no?
I'm going to write more, but so far....this is it.