June 23, 2010

All it took was a photo...

All it took was a photo to make me realize that after all these years my bitterness has failed to settle inside of my heart. I must have pretended all of these years. All of these years....I resented you for this feeling of abandonment. I resented you for not feeling loved enough. Feelings are powerful and in full force when they are able to make me avoid any opportunity of ever seeing you again. I guess in my mind, you were already gone. But when I saw that photo, my heart knew better.

I always knew that eventually I would have to forgive. Its apart of a process. Its apart of the bigger picture that is my life. I allowed myself to be angry and hurt the years in between. I gave myself the right to be. But looking at that recent photo made me realize one thing. Time has passed so swiftly and there is so much that we both don't know. The new wrinkles on your face tell me that time has pasted...and it will never stop passing.

I thought about you on Sunday. I was wondering if you were thinking about us. I was wondering if you were thinking about the one who made that day special for you. Your first baby. We both wouldn't be what we are today if we didn't have each other. I made you a man, and you gave me my names....Vanessa...poet. And I realize I could quite possibly be the only thing you have ever done right in your life. For years I wanted you to know that. But I realize you already do.

All it took was a photo for me to know....we all have those things that make their way to haunt us every night. If you are like me (if I am like you), then you too are familiar with the feeling of dark walls closing in and being locked up with nothing to inhale but the stiff thoughts of regret that always lingers. I know you have regrets. If you are like me (if I am like you), you do. But from here on out, make it better and I promise to do the same. Because judging by the photo of you, time has passed swiftly since we have been apart. I feel that it is about that time that we enjoy it together. But you have to make that happen papa. Because I am like my mother. I won't make the first move. I'm leaving it up to you. My heart isn't bitter for you anymore. It never really was. So whenever you realize that time does not belong to us, that she is not here to stay, I will be here in the same place where you left me. Ready to love.

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