January 25, 2011

I'm on some Marvin Gaye sh-t, a bunch of distant lovers...

When it comes to love and dating, the things is...

I am in a place in my life where I am willing to accept and forgive. I've always been a very forgiving person. Cautious, but forgiving. And I'm trying to figure out if it is better to love with or without caution. The lover in me wants to get free, love, go crazy, take risk and all that good stuff because "it is better to have loved than to not love at all". While the "hurt one" in me - the one who stands guarded with her AK-47 hanging from her heart wants to feel complete with the love she already has for her family, friends, and work because it is safe and anything that requires more investment of her emotions is too risky, too raw, and requires too much energy anyway. I wish I could say I love freely, but the truth I do love freely...but from a distance. And the ones who I allowed to get close did so for reasons I am just starting to truly understand now, but I will leave it for another night.

It takes a whole lot of faith to be able to love. You have to have faith in your mate that they will always do right by you, and you have to have faith in your relationship that together all things are possible no matter how difficult things seem to be. Then, if things go wrong and you go separate ways, you have to have faith in your ability to bounce back and have faith that you will find a better love. They say you should never give up. Never give up on love because you just never know. I'm not faithless. And I have not given up because I know that the little bits of love that I have experienced is nothing compared to love that awaits. But it ain't easy. So instead, I keep my distance and ignore the small fire inside my heart that wants to burn freely. I want it. I am more than capable of it. I just don't want to make another lame excuse about how love doesn't want me to hide the fact that I am simply afraid to love because of the pain it can potentially cause.

I am able to forgive. I can forgive someone for ALL of their imperfections and shortcomings. Forgiving is love. I forgive myself. The problem is that I can't forget, and that is the part that hurts the most. It's hard - being able to forget the old pain, and being able to forget that by loving you without a safety, I am at the same time allowing you the opportunity to hurt me at anytime. And I have to forget! I have to be free if I want to love freely. I can't love the right way if I am chained down by the deeds of past loves. I can't embrace and open my arms to love if I have a riffle in my hand - ready to shoot anyone who makes a move. Personally, I'm in between. My riffle is grounded....but so is my heart. Unfortunately.

("For The Yearning" by Ginger Tyson)


Christian said...

Loving completely is always hard to do when you choose to love from an distance. You may be very capable of forgiving ones mistakes as well as your own but sadly nothing can take away the memories. I agree totally with what your saying. The memories have the power to stall any movement you make towards loving to the very best of your ability because if you do go through with it there's a chance those memories will stir up all the pain you once felt when you saw your self in the same position.

I guess or rather hope its a manner of finding that right person who harbors the same thoughts towards love as you carry. I believe that two people dealing with the same thing can eventually take that chance to love each other more than if only one person loves from a distance while the other does not because there's alot at stake when love is involved especially when you have loved before and got let down. That other person that your choosing to love needs to know how much it means to you. They need to accept that their heart is on the line as much as yours and be willing to love you so that the battle can no longer be yours and yours alone.

That's an ideal situation, one that I hope we both find.

NV Torres said...


You are so right about the other person harboring the same thoughts about love. The only way love can work is if both people are on the same page, find a common understanding, and most importantly, are both willing to invest the same amount of energy and emotions into having a lasting relationship. I need someone who, like myself, understands this and is willing to take things slow for the safety of our hearts.