I am in a place in my life where I am willing to accept and forgive. I've always been a very forgiving person. Cautious, but forgiving. And I'm trying to figure out if it is better to love with or without caution. The lover in me wants to get free, love, go crazy, take risk and all that good stuff because "it is better to have loved than to not love at all". While the "hurt one" in me - the one who stands guarded with her AK-47 hanging from her heart wants to feel complete with the love she already has for her family, friends, and work because it is safe and anything that requires more investment of her emotions is too risky, too raw, and requires too much energy anyway. I wish I could say I love freely, but the truth I do love freely...but from a distance. And the ones who I allowed to get close did so for reasons I am just starting to truly understand now, but I will leave it for another night.
It takes a whole lot of faith to be able to love. You have to have faith in your mate that they will always do right by you, and you have to have faith in your relationship that together all things are possible no matter how difficult things seem to be. Then, if things go wrong and you go separate ways, you have to have faith in your ability to bounce back and have faith that you will find a better love. They say you should never give up. Never give up on love because you just never know. I'm not faithless. And I have not given up because I know that the little bits of love that I have experienced is nothing compared to love that awaits. But it ain't easy. So instead, I keep my distance and ignore the small fire inside my heart that wants to burn freely. I want it. I am more than capable of it. I just don't want to make another lame excuse about how love doesn't want me to hide the fact that I am simply afraid to love because of the pain it can potentially cause.
I am able to forgive. I can forgive someone for ALL of their imperfections and shortcomings. Forgiving is love. I forgive myself. The problem is that I can't forget, and that is the part that hurts the most. It's hard - being able to forget the old pain, and being able to forget that by loving you without a safety, I am at the same time allowing you the opportunity to hurt me at anytime. And I have to forget! I have to be free if I want to love freely. I can't love the right way if I am chained down by the deeds of past loves. I can't embrace and open my arms to love if I have a riffle in my hand - ready to shoot anyone who makes a move. Personally, I'm in between. My riffle is grounded....but so is my heart. Unfortunately.
("For The Yearning" by Ginger Tyson)